Vikings: The Prisoner
January 13, 2018 6:40 PM - Season 5, Episode 5 - Subscribe

Ivar meets his match in Bishop Heahmund. Floki returns to Kattegat. Bjorn receives a lavish welcome in North Africa.

* Bishop Heahmund: "The Lord works in mysterious ways.", side-eyes the above ground rats again
* Ivar's vikings burst out through the sewers, the Saxons rock back on their heels - getting numerous arrows to the knees - instead of bottlenecking more vikings from bursting forth
* Ivar's two new personal bodyguards bodyguard
* Hvitserk has a go at Aethelwulf, Alfred is assaulted by a friendly neighbourhood ogre wielding a maul
* Heahmund is an incredible warrior, but still a total dick
* Total dick is unhorsed, Ivar pauses game and enters cheat code to give Heahmund another mount, and his vikings let him do it - but Heahmund is finally captured alive, regardless
* Aethelwulf gives a good showing, but is convinced to withdraw with an injured Alfred (no way that injury doesn't leave him a completely crippled hand)
* Amidst screams and cries of pain and anguish, Judith tends to the wounded evidently with competence, receives Alfred and a devasted Aethelwulf
* Hvitserk, perhaps still high on the endorphin rush of a successful battle, implicitly throws in with Ivar and promotes offing Ubbe and Lagertha to elevate Ivar's position to King of Kattegat
* Ivar's A-OK with the idea
* Talk turns to what to do with Heahmund, who's chained up in a pretty neat BSDM setup
* Ivar and Heahmund have a mini Ragnar/Ecbert talk but without the booze and trying to out dick each other, mostly, instead
* Heamund is transported by longboat with Ivar and Hvitserk... to somewhere

* Bjorn's vikings camel caravan through a desert; Bjorn's apparently good with- and fond of- them
* The vikings, Euphemius, and Kassia are received by Ziyadat Allah - who happens to speaks viking
* Ziyadat is interested in trade, "How can I get furs, swords, falcons, bearskins, whale-meat... and your slaves are the best, everybody knows that <slow claps>"
* Ziyadat: "We pride ourselves on our hospitality."
* Bjorn and Halfdan, enjoying some hookah action, are offered - and accept - a couple of sex workers; Euphemius and Kassia have a tumble beneath the sheets also
* Bjorn chooses to bask in the afterglow with Halfdan, Halfdan's sex worker "was not a she"
* Bjorn: "And... was that a problem for you?"
* Halfdan: "I need a drink."

* Bjorn and Halfdan wake up to finding out that Euphemius was detained, escaped, and his guards are being chewed out and about to be executed by Ziyadat
* Kassia is still around
* Halfdan: "We haven't exactly been the best bodyguards, have we?"
* Bjorn: "No, we have not."
* The very dead body of Euphemius is butchered
* Ziyadat holds a feast to celebrate the trade agreement that he, apparently, just finalized with Bjorn's vikings
* The parted, seasoned, and cooked portions of Euphemius is served to- and consumed by- all
* Ziyadat: "As you can see, these local spices in exotic dishes have been especially prepared for you by my famous chefs. They will be insulted if you don't eat your fill." <quickIslamicprayer>
* Bjorn: <tastes> "Is good." Vikings look at one another, "yeah, not bad, right?"
* Sindic: <now where have I tasted this before?>
* As dinner is winding down and everyone's just nibbling to "fill the corners," Ziyadat says to Kassia, "My beloved, everything was done as you wanted. And we are both free now of that monster of whose flesh we have all partaken."
* Sindric: WTF!?!! spit spit gag spit
* Bjorn: "What did he say?"
* Ziyadat - exposits. He heard Euph was going to double cross him to the emperor, he doesn't need a puppet in Sicily, is going to go take Sicily again (?) - Kassia is not whom she's been presented as
* Understatedly, Sindric: "I think we should all return to the boats. We're all in the gravest danger."
* Halfdan, Sindric, and Bjorn are trying to be casual; Ziyadat is, like, ok, fine, it's time - signals his soldiers to go apprehend Bjorn, Halfdan, and Sindric - Bjorn picks up a splinter
* Kassia: "Kill them all!"

* Meanwhile, in Kattegat... Floki Returns, reminisces with Lagertha over Ragnar, Bjorn; Ubbe sticks his nose into the meeting
* Floki pitches recruiting to colonize "The Land of the Gods" with those of sufficient "purity," Lagertha is unimpressed with the prospect of losing warriors in the face of defending against Harald, tries to censure Floki from doing so - and Floki's, like, well, <smirk> whatcha gonna do?
* Floki indulges in being a cult leader
* Guthrum, Torvi's first son by Jarl Borg, runs leaving with Floki by Torvi, Torvi prohibits him from leaving, Guthrum's, like, all, "You can't stop me."; Torvi goes back to routine weapons cache maintenance
* Ubbe seeks some father-figure time with Floki, resenting Ivar's close relationship with Floki, lets Floki know that he and Ivar has had a falling out
* Floki's all DGAF - I'm off to Iceland, lol
* Floki has a room of "Chosen Ones," smears a little of his own blood on a few foreheads, Guthrum is present
* Apparently Floki has multiple boats in his (still extant and operational) shipyard, which he will be hanging out at, "undercover," while the recruited colonists covertly prepare for the voyage
posted by porpoise (1 comment total)
Please replace references to "Alfred" with "Aethelred."
posted by porpoise at 7:07 PM on January 26, 2018

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