Mystery Science Theater 3000: GAMERA VS. GUIRON Rewatch Season 3, Ep 12
Rewatch! It's the first of three Gamera movies in a row, out of MST's five. This is by far the silliest of the lot. Two kids are abducted by space ladies that want to eat their brains, but are rescued by Gamera after a fight with knife monster Guiron. There's so much in this episode: the Bike Song, "Cornjob," dancing go-go, giant turtle gymnastics, and, of course: The Gamera Song. He is filled with turtle meat! Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE BEATNIKS Rewatch Season 4, Ep 15
Rewatch! No, they're not Beatniks. They're not even Boatniks. A young thug is content with a life of robbery until it turns out he can sing, but his grasping for fortune and respectability is held back by his jilted criminal buddies. It was directed and written by voice actor Paul "Boris Badenov" Frees! There's also a General Hospital soap opera short, which are unfortunately among the most boring shorts MST did, but does have their commercial for The Booze Council.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: OPERATION DOUBLE 007 Rewatch Season 5, Ep 8
Rewatch! Sean Connery's brother sure can do a lot. Plastic surgery, hypnosis, martial arts and so on. His brother's taken time off to go to the future to worship a huge flying head, so Secret Agent Central Casting sent him instead. He's up against an evil organization that somehow convinced a flotilla of clothes-averse young women to work for them, in capacities ranging from showgirl distraction brigade to movie screen. M and Moneypenny are involved somehow. In case you couldn't tell, this is an extremely silly movie and fully deserving being thrown against a wall and mocked by joke-making machines.Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: RIDING WITH DEATH Rewatch Season 8, Ep 14
Rewatch! It's another packaging of two TV show episodes (of Gemini Man) into a single "movie," such as with Master Ninja and Fugitive Alien. This one's about a Ben Murphy who can become invisible and is a spy, kind of, and a race driver. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: CODE NAME: DIAMOND HEAD Rewatch Season 6, Ep 8
I have some issues with the internet popularity poll I made that decided the "top 50" episodes of MST3K to watch. This is one of the biggest of those issues. I'm not sure how Code Name: Diamond Head (an actual Quinn Martin, made-for-TV production) got as many votes as it did. I guess some people just like it. It's got the short A Day At The Fair, at least. Anyway, enjoy this failed pilot for a kind of spy series. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: SANTA CLAUS Rewatch Season 5, Ep 21
Rewatch! Santa sees, hears, knows all. Up at his workshop in a castle hovering above the north pole he keeps his helpers, children from every nation. There they work on toys, singing all day long. They can do naught else, lest the forces of hell gain the upper hand. Fortunately Santa has the aid of Merlin and his magical inventions. Kind of a spin-off of the (nearly defunct) Santa's Workshop chain of theme parks, and deeply, deeply insane. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: QUEST OF THE DELTA KNIGHTS Rewatch Season 9, Ep 13
Rewatch! It is not rare for stories and movies, from Howard to Tolkien, to use a generalized sort of "times of lore" setting for fantasy, which doesn't do too badly if you don't push it too hard. This movie pushes it too hard. What the hell is a "Mannerjay" supposed to be, anyway? This is the one where Pearl riffs in the theater for the first quarter of the movie. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: FINAL JUSTICE Rewatch Season 10, Ep 8
Rewatch! Joe Don Baker is a Texas lawman who is sent to accompany a criminal being extradited to Malta. It's a fish out of water scenario, you see! Watch as our protagonist delivers illegal two-fisted American justice in a land wildly outside his jurisdiction with his belligerent catchphrase, "You think you can take me? Go 'head on." Something makes me think this movie didn't do very good business in overseas markets. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE WILD WILD WORLD OF BATWOMAN Rewatch Season 5, Ep 15
Rewatch! MST3K has had a lot of goofy movies in its time. We watched one of the silliest, The Dead Talk Back, just last week. But in a field containing Robot Holocaust, Gamera vs. Guiron, Catalina Caper, Monster A-Go-Go, The Pumaman, Quest of the Delta Knights, Hobgoblins, Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders, Cry Wilderness, Carnival Magic and Mac And Me, this may still, ultimately, be the silliest. A woman in lingerie organizes a bunch of other scantily clad young women to fight crime and play at being "synthetic vampires," while her nemesis, the dastardly Rat Fink, attempt to steal an atomic hearing aid, by using his irresistible dancing drug, created by his mad scientist cohort, and his minion Heathcliff, who... look, it's just too ridiculous. You can see it for yourself when we watch it Thursday night! Previously
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE DEAD TALK BACK Rewatch Season 6, Ep 3
Rewatch! One of the sillier movies in MST's rich history, this film was made in the 60s but unreleased until shortly before the episode aired. Krasker is a self-styled occultist with a hilariously dramatic speaking style. He lives in the basement of a boarding house with a collection of "supernatural" artifacts that are laugh-out-loud funny even without riffing. For some reason the police hang on this cut-rate Sherlock Holmes' every word, and consult with him on murder cases, a premises so ridiculous that it demonstrates just how stupid it is when investigatory seances happen in real life. But mostly the movie stalls until its sub-Scooby Doo twist ending. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: SAN FRANCISCO INTERNATIONAL Rewatch Season 6, Ep 14
Rewatch! What would Airplane! be if it weren't played for laughs, like, at ALL? It'd be a lot like San Francisco International, a pilot for a TV series heavily inspired by the movies that inspired Airplane!, like Zero Hour and the various Airports. So come back with us and linger in a place that most people want to pass through as quickly as possible. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: STAR FORCE: FUGITIVE ALIEN II Rewatch Season 3, Ep 18
The crew of Earth spaceship Bacchus III deals with various problems, culminating with showdowns with Ken's old girlfriend out of a murder vendetta against him, and the kabuki leader of the Star Wolves himself. Two-fisted Japanese pseudo-Star Wars space adventures with surprisingly great music that was edited into near incomprehensibility by Sandy Frank Productions. It's the sequel to Fugitive Alien, which was slightly more lucid. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: CATALINA CAPER Rewatch Season 2, Ep 4
Rewatch! What do you get when you cross a beach movie with a heist movie? Nothing good! It does contain a musical number by Little Richard. This movie marks the establishment of the rule that MST3K would avoid comedies, but it's still a fairly well-remembered episode from the show's classic era. With this film, we're back in Joel territory for a while! Previously
Mystery Science Theater 3000: DIABOLIK Rewatch Season 10, Ep 13
Rewatch! Super-thief Diabolik steals stuff in a series of wildly implausible heists, such is his hunger to have sex in, on, or in front of valuable things with his girlfriend Eva Kant (who seems to be misnamed). It's based on an Italian comic book. You know, in that country Donald Duck is a superhero. Italian comics are weird, is what I'm sayin'. Again, this was the last episode of the classic series. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH Rewatch Season 8, Ep 17
Shocking terror! Hideous and ridiculous monsters crawl out of the sea! "It had ping-pong balls for eyes!" shrieked one overacting eyewitness! Another moaned unconvincingly, "Oh the carnage, the bad costumes, the poor cinematography!" Will no one put a stop to the atrocities committed by this director and his crew? In subplot news, Pearl and Brain Guy are in ancient Rome. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: ATOR THE FIGHTING EAGLE Season 12, Ep 6
aka Ator L'Invincible. Every legend has its beginning... even the very bad ones. Long ago barbarian lawyer/surgeon/hangglider enthusiast Ator, from way back in 301 THE CAVE DWELLERS, was born, hidden away from evil guys, and raised to fight the Spider
Puppet God. Along the way he falls in love with his sister (WTF), makes nookie with an evil witch lady, finds a magic mirror shield, and suffers all the personal trauma that a primitive fantasy world can dish out. The conclusion to The Gauntlet sees Dr. Erhardt fulfilling Dr. Forrester's last wish, Jonah and the bots shipped to Earth to go on the "Deep Hurting" tour, and Kinga and Max falling into the trap that Jonah spent the past five episodes building. This is the end of Season 12 of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and, unless more episodes are made, the series. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: KILLER FISH Season 12, Ep 5
"The adventure that drags you in, pulls you under and tears you apart!" How pleasant. Movies would have us believe there are two major natural threats to people in the water. This movie focuses on the second one. There is a plot involving stolen jewels, but there's a reason the movie's not called TREACHEROUS THIEVES. It's the next-to-last episode of The Gauntlet, and the subplot, involving a returned Dr. Erhardt's quest to have Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank's ashes scattered while playing Idiot Control Now (Joel and the Bots' song from way back in 303 POD PEOPLE), continues, as it turns out Kinga has all of Dr. F's old experiments backed up. This is about three times as much plot as MST usually has. Add in that Jonah is doing something mysterious to help get him and the Bots out of their situation.... [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE DAY TIME ENDED Season 12, Ep 4
"The World Became a Living Hell... When Past, Present and Future Collided...." It certainly did. I'm not even sure what's going on here. Some supernovas happen, and then a family sensibly living in the middle of the desert have crazy encounters with aliens, there's some kind of time-space shenanigans, and by the end you're not sure if they're all in the afterlife or on a journey to an alien city. Solar power may have had something to do with it. Kicking off the second half of (Kinga hand gesture) The Gauntlet, this may be the most challenging film of the sextet. The highlight is a surprise host segment visit from an old friend who, after over 200 episodes, is no longer "missing".... [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: LORDS OF THE DEEP Season 12, Ep 3
"The ultimate underwater adventure!" Under de sea... there's scary psychic stingray monsters that control people and turn them into goo! But hey, everything's better where it is wetter, right? Not a film to show to marine biology students. It's episode three of "The Gauntlet," and a weird movie. The SOL has issues with psychic sea monsters and Kinga and Max stage a morning talk show. For fun! Episode 1203 is available on Netflix. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: ATLANTIC RIM Season 12, Ep 2
In a world that we are assured bears no relationship with anything created by Guillermo Del Toro, three pilots of experimental, implausibly humanoid giant robots fight against monsters from the ocean. Where do the monsters come from and why are they attacking now? Who knows! What's more important is that our heroes, Black Guy, Woman and Obnoxious Bro, fight the monsters to both the stern disapproval and enthusiastic approval of General Father Figure. At last the crew of the Satellite of Love come up against the fearsome work of The Asylum, makers of mockbusters extraordure. In subplot news, this is the second of the six movies of "The Gauntlet," Kinga's latest ratings stunt, a sequence of films shown to Jonah and the bots back-to-back. They hold up well, even though the movie is exceptionally tiresome. "Flush them the movie!" Episode 1202 is available on Netflix. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: MAC AND ME Season 12, Ep 1
A wheelchair-bound kid befriends an alien, and then careens off a cliff, goes to McDonalds, gets shot up by NASA, and witnesses the alien and his family become US citizens. MST is back baby, and off to a great start for the shortened Season 12! The premise is that, while you're free to watch the episodes whenever you want, Jonah and the 'bots are supposed subjected to these six movies back-to-back! The riffing and sketches are great in this one (yes, I started watching it within minutes of it premiering on Netflix). Episode 1201 can be seen on Netflix. First aired today, November 22, 2018. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: DIABOLIK Season 10, Ep 13
AKA Danger: Diabolik. "Out for all he can take, seduce, or get away with." A master criminal steals all kinds of stuff in a series of capers, killing lots of people along the way. Oh, and he's our protagonist, yay! He's based on an Italian comic character, which might explain things a bit. Pearl plays around with a joystick she got at Radio Shack, but it breaks and sends the Satellite of Love into reentry, and she can't do anything about it. Mike and the 'bots are coming home! And with this, we have reached the end of our tour of Mystery Science Theater 3000; see inside for closing words and odds and ends. But MST Club isn't done yet! Episode 1013 is available on YouTube. Premiered August 8, 1999. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: SQUIRM Season 10, Ep 12
"This was the night of the CRAWLING TERROR!" I have one more useful science factoid to teach you: if you run an electrical current through an earthworm, it'll become an aggressive monster and crave human flesh! But only while the current is running. This movie helpfully shows us the lethal consequences of downed power lines, which result in the depopulation of a small town. But it's a Georgia town, so, no worries. With the short A Case of Spring Fever: A film that warns us, for the sake of all mankind, to guard our tongues! Say no careless words in wishing for the absence of any petty thing that annoys you, for there may be an omnipotent spirit listening, and waiting, willing, even eager, to remove all those things from the universe just to spite you personally. To think of all the things our world has lost, all because some schmuck decided to say aloud he was annoyed with, say, immortality this week. One more film about unpleasant people in the South. Notable for containing the phrase, "You gonna be da worm face now!" The episode contains MST3K's last short, and it's one of the best. Episode 1012 is available on YouTube. Premiered August 1, 1999. One episode left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND Season 10, Ep 11
AKA Ein Toter hing im Netz or "Body in the Web." "HAIR-RAISING! SPINE-CHILLING! One bite from a giant spider turned him into THE WORLD'S MOST HIDEOUS MONSTER with a diabolical lust to KILL!" Our movie starts out with guys hiring exotic dancers to send to Singapore, their natural habitat. The contents of the plane are so sexy that it crashes into the ocean. All passengers survive somehow and wash ashore on an uncharted desert isle. The girls celebrate by taking off all their clothes, except of course for their skin-colored bodysuits because we can't have anything risque. Then: SPIDERS! Maybe the writers were having an off week, or maybe news of the show's impending cancellation had affected them, but fans don't consider this episode a favorite. We shall enjoy it all the same. In host segments, Pearl moves her castle to the suburbs for a couple of hours. Episode 1011 is available on YouTube. Premiered July 25, 1999. Two episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: IT LIVES BY NIGHT Season 10, Ep 10
a.k.a. The Bat People. "No matter how hard you pray or how loud you scream there is no escape... no escape... no escape... no escape..." A guy on a research honeymoon gets bitten by a bat and starts transforming into some kind of... bat... person as a result, sure that happens. Look out for the special surprise ending where we find out bat-person-osis is also an STD. Pearl has fun mutating the SOL crew, and Tom Servo has way too big of a mustache. An okay episode. Episode 1010 is available on YouTube. Premiered July 18, 1999. Three episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: HAMLET Season 10, Ep 9
Something's rotten in Denmark. Prince Hamlet finds out his dad the king is suddenly dead, and his uncle Claudius has just as suddenly married his mum and taken the throne. Sound suspecious? So thinks Hamlet's dad's ghost, who tells him it was murder and demands revenge. But Hamlet's indecisive, so he pretends to be cray-cray so he can gather clues without alerting Claudius. While so detecting, Hamlet kills a series of people with varying degrees of intent, and holds a skull a bit. He gets revenge, but dies too. I'm going to level with you. This episode is commonly regarded as one of the less accessible ones. It's another case where the movie drags everything down. This is a low budget, black-and-white, 1961 made-for-TV German production of Hamlet, with over half the content cut for time, dubbed into English. It's a bit entertaining that a couple of the dubbers are, it turns out, Ricardo "Khaaaan!" Montalban and John "Sgt. Schultz" Banner themselves, but it's still a dry episode. It's all downhill from here! Episode 1009 is available on YouTube. Premiered June 27, 1999. Four episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: FINAL JUSTICE Season 10, Ep 8
"His name is Thomas Jefferson Geronimo. His brand of justice doesn't stop at the Texas border." A Texas sheriff played by Joe Don Baker (Mitchell himself) is assigned to escort a mob boss to Italy, but the plane gets sidetracked to Malta, resulting in a series of cartoon episodes where he tries to catch him but keeps getting arrested, darn it! This is the episode where Crow and Servo destroy Goosio, beloved children's character of Malta. Episode 1008 is available on YouTube. Premiered June 20, 1999. Five episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: TRACK OF THE MOON BEAST Season 10, Ep 7
"The Riding Moon Creates a Monster" From the depths of space comes a meteor, which konks a guy in the head, causing the most logical thing to happen: sometimes he turns into a lizard and kills people. A fun episode, generally enjoyed by the three main fansites we track. The movie, which contains a character named Johnny Longbow, was actually co-written by Batman co-creator Bill Finger. Episode 1007 is available on YouTube. Premiered June 13, 1999. Six episodes left. [more inside]
"The Legend Too Monstrous To Die...Surfaces Again" "Do they really exist..?" A know-it-all professor on the lookout for bigfeet out in Arkansaw tells stories of said creatures to his grad assistants, then finds way, way, WAY too much. One of the most uniquely horrible movies MST ever did. Not only is it pretty badly made, but the characters are unlikeable, there's an entire section devoted to outhouse shenanigans (thankfully shortened in the riffed version) and then, at the end--Old Man Crenshaw! In host segments, Pearl tries to spread the legend of a creature lurking around Castle Forrester--it's Bobo, of course, but that doesn't stop Hank Brain Guy Jr. from writing a country song about it. Episode 1006 is available for viewing on YouTube. Premiered May 9, 1999. Seven episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: BLOOD WATERS OF DR. Z Season 10, Ep 5
a.k.a. Zaat. "Is The Monster Man...Fish...Or Devil?" "It Would Take An Atom Bomb To Wipe Out The Walking Catfish!" "WARNING! Positively no one admitted during last 15 minutes!" Sargassum! After a short, nonsensical narration of an aquarium, a scientist charts on his gigantic circular day-planner his revenge on the scientific establishment, and the world that shunned his ideas, by turning himself into a monster that he calls (but isn't) a fish, then sets about making himself a fishy mate, while very southern authorities try to stop him. We've been through some adventures, haven't we? Well here's one more, the last of what I'd call the extreme pain category of episodes. Great host segments in this one! This episode is available to watch on YouTube. Premiered June 27, 1998. Eight episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: FUTURE WAR Season 10, Ep 4
"It came from the future to hunt humans." A human taken from the past to be a slave in the future escapes to the present. He's chased by a familiar-looking guy with a really big chin and his dinosaur trackers. Nicely inconspicuous, future guy! He's helped by a street-wise nun and her street gang friends. Thank you for not killing me. In the words of Crow, "You know, I could point out it's not the future and there isn't a war, but you know me. I don't like to complain." This is a particularly laughable movie, although not one of the show's more famous episodes. Episode 1004 is available on YouTube. Premiered April 25, 1999. Nine episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: MERLIN'S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS Season 10, Ep 3
"In a world where magic truly exists, anything can happen." What if... someone made a movie like The Princess Bride, except instead of Peter Falk he could only get Ernest Borgnine, and instead of a charming and witty tale he had two mediocre made-for-TV fantasy-horror movies, and the kid instead of going to sleep with dreams of high adventure and romance was instead left with nightmares of demonic familiars and cursed deadly toy monkeys? In a world where schlock truly exists anything can happen. I love this one, it's all so bizarre and inexplicable. It's easy to make fun of Ernest Borgnine (hell, I do it too) but he had a long career and seemed like a good guy. In subplot land Pearl performs an experiment on Mike and co. for the Mad Science accreditation board. Taste the rainbow of fruit pain! Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders is available on YouTube. Premiered September 12, 1999. By the way: this was the last new episode of MST3K to appear on the Sci-Fi channel, actually showing after the series conclusion. Ten episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: GIRL IN GOLD BOOTS Season 10, Ep 2
"VIBRANT... UNPREDICTABLE... She hungered for fame... the men in her life offered love, danger, excitement!" "She murdered for fame, but the price tag was too much!" Michele is a dancer with big dreams: to work as a go-go girl in a seedy restaurant called EAT. Her meteroic rise is troubled by the conflicting attractions of EAT's janitor (name of "Critter"), and Buz, EAT's drug dealer. Will she be able to keep her pretty pretty mind? Will you? There are only four Sci-Fi Channel era episodes that don't have to do with sci-fi, fantasy or horror, and this is the first. Although the horror could come from all the slime dripping off the film, which is off-putting to sane people. This episode kicks off the "Mad Scientist accreditation" subplot in Castle Forrester, which would last to the end of the show. Episode 1002 can be found on YouTube. Premiered June 27, 1998. 11 episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: SOULTAKER Season 10, Ep 1
"There is no stairway to heaven." Because it turns out to be an elevator. Some dumb teens cross the Maximum Allowable Dumb line and are punished via a car crash that kills them. But wait, maybe they aren't dead? Because it turns out the Grim Reaper (Joe Estevez) is incompetent and can't leave personal issues at home. His boss (Robert Z'dar) is so going to write him up. This is a great episode, not just because the movie is goofy and the riffing excellent. This is the episode where "TVs" Frank Conniff and show creator and first host Joel Hodgson come back to visit! This is the first episode of the 10th season of MST3K, the final classic season of the show. YouTube (1h32m) Premiered June 27, 1998. 12 episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: QUEST OF THE DELTA KNIGHTS Season 9, Ep 13
"In an age of swords and sorcery, one young hero holds the key to infinite wisdom--and ultimate power." Not any sorcery, actually. Somewhere in the medieval nation of Europe, a young boy is sold as a slave but bought/rescued by "Baydool," who works for the "Delta Knights," against the villainous "Vultare," who works for "The Mannerjay." They're trying to find the lost treasure of Archimedes, Leonardo da Vinci is with them--if you try to make sense of when or where this film happened you'll go crazy. Roll for initiative! This is an underrated episode I think. The movie's got a crazy premise, the settings seem like they came from a LARP, and it just opens itself to riffing, which is nice after a couple of numbing episodes. Host segments are also great, with the "Loaner AMC Crow," another of Servo's chorus performances, and Pearl doing the riffing for the first quarter of the episode. This is the end of Season Nine of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Assembled people and robots, we have entered the home stretch. YouTube (1h32m) Premiered September 26, 1998. 13 episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE SCREAMING SKULL Season 9, Ep 12
"FREE! We Guarentee To Bury You Without Charge If You Die Of Fright During SCREAMING SKULL!" A man and his new wife move into a house. Wait, the house was owned by his previous, now dead, wife? Who died mysteriously? And the new wife has a lot of money? Can you see where this is going? With short Robot Rumpus: Clayboy Gumby and his pony pal Pokey make robots to do his yardwork, but they run amok amok amok amok. Most say the movie's extremely drab and hard to watch, but the short is excellent, both fun itself and terrific riffing fodder. The bots do not well handle the sight of the fate of their claymation brethren: "This is how it is in the real world! Horrid lumps of discharge destroy beautiful, innocent robots with impunity!" In Castle Forrester, Pearl and company try to play a bizarre joke on Mike and his contingent, resulting ultimately in the shrinking of Bobo. Hah. YouTube (1h32m) Premiered August 29, 1998. 14 episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: DEVIL FISH Season 9, Ep 11
"Sink your teeth into pure terror." "Wave goodbye..." Good luck making sense of this horribly-edited movie. A fish (with tentacles somehow) is terrorizing some folk, was made by a villain, and others are trying to stop them. There's some sex in there I think too. Pearl rents the castle out as a cruise ship (what) and Mike twice incurs the wrath of the Space Dolphin empire (what). In a host segment, Crow muses about combining a shark with an octopus, making him technically the ultimate origin of the movie Sharktopus. Thanks a heap, 'bot. Promo The episode itself doesn't appear to be on YouTube. Premiered August 15, 1998. 15 episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE FINAL SACRIFICE Season 9, Ep 10
"A lost city... A cult of unholy warriors... And a boy's quest for the secret of his father's death." Teenaged orphan Troy is on a quest across Canada to find out what happened to his father. In a pair of improbable coincidences, he meets a reformed, former member of the cult responsible for his death and his old partner, before finally confronting its leader. That reformed cult member goes by the name of Zap Rowsdower.... Fans generally regard this as one of the best of the Sci-Fi Channel era episodes. Both the riffing and the host segments are first-rate. This episode gives us the Canada Song and a Satellite-wide outbreak of Hockey Hair. YouTube (1h32m) Premiered July 25, 1998. 16 episodes left. Extra: The Rowsdower Song, from a post I made some time back. Have some more Rowsdowers. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: GORGO Season 9, Ep 9
LIKE NOTHING YOU'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE! A gigantic sea lizard emerges from the ocean off the British coast and wrecks stuff, but is captured. Then its mother shows up. Oops! Mormo could not be reached by press time. Note that the short intro blurbs often seen in these writeups are taken from advertising for the movie. I don't myself claim you've never seen something like this obvious British Godzilla clone before. Leonard Maltin (a good sport) shows up in a couple of host segments! This episode is not available on YouTube. Premiered July 18, 1998. 17 episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE TOUCH OF SATAN Season 9, Ep 8
"'The Touch of Satan' makes 'Rosemary's Baby' look like a Sunday school picnic!" - LA Free Press A guy falls in love with a weird gal who enchants him by telling him, of a lake, "This is where the fish lives!" Unfortuately, it turns out she's an actual enchantress, that is to say a witch, in turn to say Of The Devil, aka Gorgo and Mormo, and her gramma's both her sister and a murderer, or, as one character terms them, "fromakidal maniacs." Yet another movie not to expect a happy ending from. This is the episode where "Deadly" Beez McKeever babysits Observer (who she calls "Brian") and Bobo (who she thinks is a dog), in some particularly beloved host segments. YouTube (1h32m) Premiered July 11, 1998. 18 episodes left. Zaa! [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: HOBGOBLINS Season 9, Ep 7
Warning: HOBGOBLINS - May Cause Blindness and Death Boy, that sure is a bad movie, won't you? It sure is, you know! An old guy spends his whole life working as a security guard for an old film studio just to prevent other security guards from unleashing the evil plush toys that live in one of its vaults. He is terrible at this. The "Hobgoblins" get loose, and it's up to a straight-laced new recruit and his upsettingly horny friends to save the world, and themselves, from their hallucinatory, fantasy-granting powers. Of all the movie types we've seen on our tour through the Mystery Science Theater, among them gray 50s sci-fi, brutal biker movies, an Orwellian children's film, post-apocalyptic warrior fightan, barely-clad pepla and vibrant Soviet fantasy, comes a new category: wannabe sex farce/horror. The result is unquestionably another one of the worst movies MST ever did, and yet pretty recent for that. What can you do with those Hobgoblins? Here comes one now! Watch out, you little doodad! YouTube (1h32m) Premiered June 27, 1998. 19 episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE SPACE CHILDREN Season 9, Ep 6
Kids serve the telepathic bidding of a Blob from Space to sabotage military weapons. The twist: the Blob is a good guy! With short Century 21 Calling: At the Seattle World's Fair, everyone is excited about PHONES. You'll be able to record frequently-called numbers onto little plastic cards! An uncommonly ridiculous movie and short combo. Warning: contains Uncle Fester in shorts! This is another episode that's not on DVD, and probably never will be. Vimeo (1h32m) Premiered June 13, 1998. 20 episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE DEADLY BEES Season 9, Ep 5
"hives of horror! Excited by the smell of fear they inflict their fatal stings!" A British singer collapses on television and is sent to the countryside to recuperate. I guess she shouldn't have used AirB&B. Also apparently the British take forever to investigate anything. This episode is infamously unavailable commercially by any means, not YouTube, DVD, Video on Demand or streaming; it's one of those final few episodes where the copyright owners seem almost affronted at the temerity of that Midwest puppet show at making fun of their movie and have refused to license it for release. In subplot news, the other Observers are back and try to take Brain Guy away. Pearl and Bobo's attempts at getting him to stay is as close to touching as this deeply ridiculous show ever gets. Premiered May 9, 1998. 21 episodes left. (guy with bowler hat appears mysteriously, nods, and walks off into distance) [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: WEREWOLF Season 9, Ep 4
aka Arizona Werewolf. "Rest in... beast." Did you know you can contract werewolfism through improper handling of teeth? Yuri discovers this and infects Paul with Involuntary Furry Syndrome. He did this to make money exhibiting Paul-as-wolf, since as we all know sideshow exhibitions are so very lucrative. Paul escapes this fate through the application of a timely mauling and hooks up with his GF, who becomes a werewolf too. Now the two of them spend their nights terrorizing the townfolk; what a romantic ending! It's another fan favorite episode! When this episode was made, the movie was only three years old! This is the episode with the brilliant "Tusk!" bit over the movie's credits music. Satellite News subsite Ward E cataloged all the references, and this YouTube video overlays the MST versions with the originals (2m). YouTube (1h32m). Premiered April 18, 1998. 22 episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE PUMAMAN Season 9, Ep 3
AKA "L'uoma Puma." Donald Pleasence has stolen a mind-control mask, and it's up to The Pumaman to stop him! But we don't know who that is yet! So faithful priest Vadinho throws people out of windows until he finds the one guy who survives it: must be him. Watch him soar through the air with the opposite of grace! We are all surely doomed. This is a beloved episode, the riffing is terrific throughout. The great improbability that our hero could be an Anything Man makes the whole thing ridiculous on its face, but it keeps on stretching the premise further and further. In Castle Forrester, Pearl plans a ball but Brain Guy's party to watch the new episode of Sliders is more popular. YouTube (1h32m) Premiered April 4, 1998. 23 episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE PHANTOM PLANET Season 9, Ep 2
"Science Shocker of the Space Age!" "See!! A 6ft astronaut shrink to 6 inches before your very eyes! See!! The Moon Maidens! See!! The attack of the Fire People!" An astronaut is stranded on a planetoid that makes him small. There are other small people there, and he assimilates into their culture. Then they're destroyed and he's rescued. Film that for long enough and you have yourself a movie. You know, every year of my life I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and the best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful, if you just take the time to look at it. In Castle Forrester, Pearl gets her Mad Scientist kit. Promo YouTube (1h32m) Premiered March 21, 1998. 24 episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE PROJECTED MAN Season 9, Ep 1
"Born a man... turned into a living laser beam by science's most gruesome experiment!" "A Billion Volts of Death in Every Finger!" Another dang fool scientist is inventing a teleporter, and again he's impatient for results so he tests it on himself and becomes a monster. Isn't it weird when a movie's hubristic Tampering In God's Domain amounts to moving somewhere? Hey here's a thought, why not just walk a few steps across the room and maybe not turn into a deformed horror? Lembeck is staying! The movie's okay but the thing about this episode is that the "endless chase" subplot is finally over, although it takes a season for the opening theme to catch up with this fact. Pearl and henchies finally arrive at and settle into ancestral family home Castle Forrester, the show's site until the end of the classic era. Pearl discovers a family history in which she finds out her family has been forcing bad art on hapless subjects for ages. In this, we find out that the female half of her family basically have the same first-naming conventions as the Crystal Gems, which could make for some really odd fanfiction if anyone wants to write it. (Kinga breaks that trend though.) YouTube (1h32m) Premiered November 22, 1997. 25 episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: OVERDRAWN AT THE MEMORY BANK Season 8, Ep 22
"Caught in a future world, his only escape is back in time." Raul Julia is Aram Fingal, who lives in a future dystopia and gets in trouble by scrolling up Casablanca at his data entry job. So he's doppled into a baboon--thankfully, not an anteater--but an impish schoolkid loses his body, so he's then-doppled into the world-running computer for safe keeping. He pretends to be Rick from Casablanca, meets his dead mom of whom he asks, "My nuts?" and runs afoul of both computech Apollonia Jones and the CEO of Novicorp. Look, I've seen the movie several times and I'm just as lost as you are. This has gotta be the most nonsensical movie in MST3K's rich history of nonsense. Gloriously silly and yet seems not to even notice. Made for public television, it's another strong contender for Worst Movie They Riffed. It's filled with heaping helpings of made-up future jargon like a kind of sad Nadsat. Get ready everyone, it's Fingal time! In the host segments, Pearl decides to run her own pledge drive and rake in the dollars. This is the end of season eight of Mystery Science Theater 3000. YouTube (1h32m) Premiered November 22, 1997. 26 episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: TIME CHASERS Season 8, Ep 21
aka Tangents. "His Mission is to Save the Future. But Time Waits For No Man...." A guy invents a time machine in his airplane, but a huge corporation plans on misusing it. Yeah, it's kind of like if Michael Moore made Back To The Future. Wow, evil corporations, huh? You can always turn to them when you need a good villain. I am not pointing this out to subvert it; they are a power for evil in our world, a blight upon the land. Anyway, this is a pretty darn decent episode. Thankfully all that Roman Times stuff is over with, and for the last couple of episodes of Season 8 the show was free to just drift out in space (well, that and a public television station, we'll get into that next week). Mike and Pearl have a nice little talk in the Widowmaker! It's nice to see neighbors get along, even when one of them is a mad scientist and the other is her hapless movie-watching victim. Also, in the movie segments, a couple of segments have the big brother of Mike (the character), Eddie, in the theater, played by Mike (the actor), who is rather less congenial than Mike (the character). Er, you understood that, right? Observer gets in a visual riff during the credits! And at the end there's a spare Crow hanging out in Minnesota who is never mentioned again. Next week is the last episode of Season 8. Episode 821 TIME CHASERS does not appear to be on YouTube. Premiered November 22, 1997. 27 episodes left. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: SPACE MUTINY Season 8, Ep 20
aka "Mutiny in Space" "There Is Nowhere to Hide from the Enemy Within!" On a colony ship sailing through the void of space, very very white people fight off a rebellion of equally-white mutineers. Titles provided by an Apple ][. This movie falls right in that zone of inept yet not abysmal, and the riffing is great. Not only do I think it's a terrific introductory episode, so does the A.V. Club. This is the episode where they keep making up names for the beefy guy ("David Ryder"). Slab Bulkhead! Fridge Largemeat! Punt Speedchunk! Here's a list of them! Here's a supercut! In subplot news, it's finally the last of the Roman Times episodes, preparing for the premise that would carry the series to the end of its original run. YouTube (warning: ad in annotations) Premiered November 7, 1997. [more inside]