451 posts tagged with mst3k and crow.
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Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE SHE-CREATURE Season 8, Ep 8
"HYPNOTIZED! Reincarnated as a Monster from Hell!" "IT CAN AND DID HAPPEN! Based on authentic FACTS you've been reading about!" Facts eh? In this movie, an evil hypnotist tells a lady to SLEEP!, causing her to summon an ancient lobster woman from the sea, who goes on a rampage. Because all prospective licensed hypnotists learn about calling crustacean people on the first day of class. This is exactly why you shouldn't get your news of current events from movie posters. It's the last episode on Observer world and the last we see of the other Observers (well they do turn up again once later). YouTube (1h31m) Premiered April 5, 1997. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: TERROR FROM THE YEAR 5000 Season 8, Ep 7
"From time unborn... a hideous she-thing!" Guy invents a machine that can send things to and from the future. One of the things that comes is a winsome young future girl who seeks a mate to save future humanity. Sounds good, right? Ha ha no it's a horrible radioactive hellscape and she wears a leotard with sparkly bits on it and kills people and must be stopped. At the end they wonder if they should have helped the future folk after all, and conclude they can do that by avoiding the nuclear apocalypse that created the bad future. Yeah, I'm sure that will happen. It's the last full episode on Observer World, and it's the last Observer-takeover stinger. Mike and the bots get up to some time travel adventures themselves. YouTube (1h32m) - Promo Premiered March 15, 1997. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: AT THE EARTH'S CORE Season 11, Ep 14
"Take the Most Terrifying Journey of Your Life!" "4,000 miles to the center of the earth is a world within our world." We've already been to the Center of the Earth with Kathy Ireland in a Jules Verne adaptation, let's now make the trip with Edgar Rice Burroughs why not. This one's got less vaguely Austrialian dystopia and more dinosaurs and cavepeeps. The day of Kinga's ordained wedding (by Kinga) to Jonah for ratings has arrived and Max isn't too happy about it. We also visit with Pearl and company again, meet the Head Observer, through whom we learn you can hire Observers out to fill out crowds, which is pretty enterprising of the omniscient brainguys. And we meet Jonah's robot Growther and a "Reptilicus Metallicus." Also, cliffhanger ending! Creepy outro! Episode 1114, the final episode of Season 11, is on Netflix. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE UNDEAD Season 8, Ep 6
"Terror... That Screams from the Grave!" A confusing movie, actually introduced by Satan himself, about a hooker regressed into a past life where she was executed for witchcraft. Contains 5000% more Digger Smolken than the doctor recommended dose. Ah, finally the movie selection moves out from beneath Universal's oppressive thumb, meaning this episode is on YouTube (1h32m)! It's also directed--not Executive Produced--by Roger Corman, so prepare yourself for direct exposure to the Cor-Man. That bit in the beginning where Pearl stuffs her test paper in an Observer's brain dish? That's our Observer right there, and it's essentially the beginning of their storied (in fanfic at least) and yet strangely non-specific relationship. Premiered March 8, 1997. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE CHRISTMAS THAT ALMOST WASN'T Season 11, Ep 13
aka "Il Natala Che Quasi Non Fu." Mr. Whipple (not the Charmin one) is a lawyer with a case that may have far-reaching consequences: he's defending Santa Claus from being evicted by his evil landlord. Wait, the North Pole is ownable property? Isn't it just an ice floe? The promised Christmas episode the Kickstarter funded. As the Mads note, most people will be watching this nowhere near Christmas. Like on July 6th or around then. In subplot news, events are rushing towards Kinga's wedding at the end of the season... next episode. Movie in the hole! Episode 1113 is on Netflix. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE THING THAT COULDN'T DIE Season 8, Ep 5
"The Grave Can't Hold It... Nothing Human Can Stop it!" A psychic lady stumbles upon a Box of Evil on the ranch, evidently the cousin of SeƱor Wences' friend Pedro. It bends the very wills of the people there until it is reunited with its body... and then is instantly defeated, because apparently its demonic powers end at that moment. S'not alright! We just got done with The Beast of Hollow Mountain and now we've got another Weird Western! In subplot news, this is the episode that introduces the Observers, and one particular Observer as a regular character, played by Bill Corbitt. Episode 805 is unavailable on YouTube. Premiered March 3, 1997. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: CARNIVAL MAGIC Season 11, Ep 12
"Elvin Feltner Presents..." A two-bit magician at a one-bit carnival turns out to have the one thing that could make his act quasi-bearable, a sorta-talking chimpanzee. If animals could talk what would they say? According to this movie, absolutely nothing of interest. Beware guys, this movie is the closest we come in Season 11 to the abysmal category, the realm of Manos, Hobgoblins and Monster A-Go-Go. The carnival itself puts out some serious Pirates World vibes. In subplot news, Kinga reveals her diabolical plan to increase her ratings by marrying Jonah. Oh, and there's a guest appearance by someone you may have heard of: Mark Hamill. Episode 1112 is available on Netflix. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE DEADLY MANTIS Season 8, Ep 4
"The Most Dangerous Monster That Ever Lived!" "Out Of a Million Years Ago... A Thousand Tons of Terror!" A big bug eats people and destroys things, until someone crashes a jet into it. Weak sauce! I'm just saying, the Giant Claw wouldn't have been undone by a simple jet crash. The episode's got a pretty good reputation! In this week's subplot watch, some bomb-worshipping mutants show up in Deep Ape. This results in the end of one theme (Deep Ape itself) and the beginning of another one (Mike seemingly being unable to keep himself from blowing up planets). Oh also, Pearl finally begins the chase of the S.O.L. promised in the theme song. Episode 804 doesn't appear to be on YouTube. Premiered February 22, 1997. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: WIZARDS OF THE LOST KINGDOM II Season 11, Ep 11
"Across the Sea of Dreams... behind the Curtain of Time... lies the land of ultimate fantasy." I bet you weren't looking forward to another visit to the world of last week's movie. Good news, other than the name and executive producer Roger Corman, this movie has nothing to do with the first one! A shepherd who's also a wizard tries to save the world from bad wizards blah blah Tolkien Eddings Brooks. A lot of people think Part 1 was a highlight of the season, but many also think this is a lowlight, so beware guys. A subplot begins in this episode, with Kinga deciding to marry Jonah. And we have another visit from Pearl! Episode 1111 is available on Netflix. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE MOLE PEOPLE Season 8, Ep 3
"TERRIFYING Monsters From A Lost Age!" Archeologists discover an ancient subterrainian civilization beneath a volcano and, using the awesome power of their mighty FLASHLIGHT, free the titular mole people from their oppression. A weird movie. In the original screenplay the underground girl Adal was supposed to go off with Our Hero, but because that might be seen as an interracial relationship they had her get squashed under a pillar! There's a lot of MST veterans in this movie, particularly John Agar and Hugh Beaumont. This is the episode with The Load, a remarkably burdensome member of the heroic party who exists only to slow them, and the movie, down. YouTube (Official, with annotations! 1h32m) Premiered February 15, 1997. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: WIZARDS OF THE LOST KINGDOM I Season 11, Ep 10
"On The Far Edge Of Fantasy The Ultimate Conflict Is Drawing Near" Young wizard apprentice Simon is aided by an ambulatory hairball and Rowsdower the Conquerer in a bid to overthrow the evil wizard Sherpa. What, it's Sherka? Whatever. Lots of people have proclaimed this the best episode of Season 11, so get ready for some massive goofiness folks. In host segment news, a plot line develops that takes us to the end of the season. Yeah yeah, just don't let it get in the way of the riffing guys! Episode 1110 is available on Netflix. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE LEECH WOMAN Season 8, Ep 2
"Forever Young! Forever Deadly!" "She Lived Off The Life Blood of Male Victims!" Africa! Source of endless 50s movie MacGuffins! All manner of bizarre plot-driving effect can be found there! Here the bizarre secret waiting to be found is that of eternal youth, at only the cost of having to kill people regularly to maintain it. It's all due to the wonders of the human pineal gland, itself the source of many plot-driving mysteries. BTW, the movie's view of the human race is unremittingly horrible. Mike and co. are still hovering above Deep Ape, which has become rather freer in its dress code. BTW: Jeeeeeeeeeed! YouTube (1h32m) Premiered February 8, 1997. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: YONGARY, MONSTER FROM THE DEEP Season 11, Ep 9
A monster movie from South Korea, in which a petroleum-eating monster awakened from the Middle East attacks Seoul. Whatever geopolitical metaphor is intended by this is obscured by the fact that, oh Gamera, we have another little kid protagonist. Yongary's death scene is rather protracted. Ah, another little kid monster movie! And not a Kenny kid either, this is a full-on obnoxious lil brat along the lines of Time Of The Apes' Johnny, or that kid from Godzilla Vs. Megalon. When we meet this kid, he's aiming his superscience itch ray at relatives driving by in their car! There's a lot of other crazy on display here too. Episode 1109 is on YouTube. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: REVENGE OF THE CREATURE Season 8, Ep 1
(Originally in 3D) "MONSTER ESCAPES! City flees in TERROR!" "All new Thrills! Shock! Suspense!" Hoo boy. So once upon a time, living in a black lagoon, there was a Creature. Having survived the injuries and affonts to dignity from the ending to a previous movie, the "Gill Man" is captured by marine scientists and sent to an amusement park, I guess to replace Shamu. An incredibly dangerous beast that's killed people before kept by scientists in an amusement park. What do you THINK is gonna happen? John Hammond reads about the incident in the paper and has a wonderful idea. And so begins the last sixth era of the show, as it kicks off its three season run on SyFy The Sci-Fi Channel. The guys are 500 years in the future and APES RULE THE WORLD! Their new movie-sending tormentors are Professor Bobo and his assistant Dr. Peanut... and a mysterious, familiar figure. Wait, you already know it's Pearl Forrester. Stylistically there's a lot of differences, but less than a year passed between episodes 706 and 801. See notes for more. YouTube (1h32m) Sci-Fi Channel Promo. Premiered February 1, 1997. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE LOVES OF HERCULES Season 11, Ep 8
aka Hercules Vs. The Hydra, Gli Amori de Ercole. Hercules' wife is murdered, but it's okay, he finds a new love days later. Then an Amazon queen decides to pursue him as well. It's a collision course with wackiness! Or maybe more murder! Given the number of girlfriends and wives Herc has had throughout these interminable movies, why would any woman stick around with him? It's a death sentence! We're now halfway into Season 11, the Kickstarter-funded revival of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Pepla (singular peplum) provide for some of the most beloved classic episodes of MST (such as 408 HERCULES UNCHAINED and 410 HERCULES AGAINST THE MOON MEN), but there are also some relatively boring ones. Fan reaction to this episode, at least, seems divided. Episode 1108 can be viewed on Netflix. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: LASERBLAST Season 7, Ep 6
"Billy was a kid who got pushed around... Then he found the power" When a picked-on kid suddenly realizes he's not hopeless but finds "the power," what happens? Gamergate! Why he takes his new laser gun and, goes out on an explodey rampage, whoo! AN THEN THE CLAYMATION ALIENS ATTACKED..... We have arrived at the end of another age, the short Fifth Age of the show, that brief period Post-Frank yet Pre-SciFi. In a host segment, we have the joke... you know, that one. The one where they try to get beyond something. Also, Mike becomes Captain Janeway. Then, finally, the SOL reaches the end of the universe.... YouTube (1h32m) - Annotated - Promo (with Penn Jilette voiceover & promo for TV Wheel!) - Movie trailer [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT Season 11, Ep 7
"The Adventure You Will Never Forget!" A cramped German U-Boat (which nonethless houses a spacious captain's cabin and dining table!) in WWI sinks a passenger ship but the survivors make it aboard and take it over, then not. But the crewmen and survivors form a truce for survival when they find a mysterious land where live primitive men, dinosaurs, and volcanoes. An okay episode overall, but it does have the "Moon 14 Mesozoic Ranch Dinosaur BBQ" sketch, and one where Crow frets about turning into a human. Episode 1107 can be viewed on Netflix. Unriffed, the movie is on YouTube. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: ESCAPE 2000 Season 7, Ep 5
AKA Escape From The Bronx, The Bronx Warriors 2. The people living in a ludicrously named hellscape called the "Bronx" (yeah, right), beloved by its remaining residents because at least its our hellscape, tries to keep out an evil, murderous construction company. Wikipedia notes that this is actually a sequel! I bet that leaves you fully sprinting to Wikipedia to discover Trash's backstory. The next show is the final Comedy Central episode. YouTube (1h33m) Promo Premiered March 2, 1996. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: STARCRASH Season 11, Ep 6
"From a vast and distant galaxy... a Space Adventure for all Time!" Clothes-adverse, redundantly-named smuggler Stella Star, her Magic Space Friend Akton, and Robo-Yosemite Sam are called by Emperor Plummer to his grand Starship Kitbash, to entrust them with the search for both a huge space weapon and his lost young Prince Hasselhoff, from among the haunted theme worlds of the colored-bulb cosmos. Some people really like this movie (Better than Star Wars?) but you can't deny it's remarkably ridiculous, even by this show's standards. It's even had its own MeFi post! Also unusual for MST3K is an exceptionally high-powered cameo, by Joel's friend Jerry Seinfeld, as investor Freak Masterstroke. And of considerable interest to MSTies is the fact that former Brains Bill Corbett, Mary Jo Pehl and Paul Chaplin helped write this one! Episode 1106 is available for viewing on Netflix. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN Season 7, Ep 4
"The First New Horror Creature... Come Prepared!" An irradiated astronaut returns to Earth and, horribly deformed, starts killing people. 'I Can't Believe It's Not Monster A-Go-Go!' Satellite News informs us that the host segments in this one, depicting Dr. F and Pearl making a film out of Crow's screenplay Earth Vs. Soup, were them getting even with Hollywood types who were the source of much pain during the making of MST: The Movie, and that their performances call back to specific people they met. Fan consensus is this is a very good episode, but I'm not a fan of gore myself so I've not seen it much. Everyone take note: after this, there are only two Comedy Central episodes left, and thus only two episodes remaining with Trace Beaulieu. YouTube (1h32m) Premiered February 24, 1996. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE BEAST OF HOLLOW MOUNTAIN Season 11, Ep 5
We're in the Old West! The owner of Rancho Bonito, Jimmy, is losing cattle to the quicksand bog. The local claim an ancient legendary beast is behind the losses, but Jimmy suspects foul play on the part of evil rancher and black marketer Enrique, whose thugs have been bothering Jimmy for a while. Helping him is his partner Felipe, and recovering alcoholic and Mexican stereotype and his son Pancho and Panchito. Matters are pretty tense between Jimmy and Enrique, and it doesn't help when Enrique's girl Sarita takes a liking to Jimmy either, so the two have a dust-up in town. Jimmy decides to leave town in order to protect Sarita. We're two acts down and nearly two-thirds through the movie. We're right on schedule for a traditional third act cowboy movie showdown, right? AND THEN THE CLAYMATION DINOSAUR ATTACKS.... It is no joke, that is exactly what happens in the movie. It's like they really wanted to make a Western, but could only get funding for a monster movie. It is the most stunning, least-telegraphed sudden left turn I've ever seen in a movie, and I'm including Monster A-Go-Go's ending in this. There is a particularly bizarre host segment in this episode where the bots nearly make not just Jonah but even the Mads hysterical with their antics. Episode 1105 is on Netflix. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: AVALANCHE Season 11, Ep 4
"A winter wonderland becomes a nightmare of destruction!" A bunch of characters at a resort built by Rock Hudson's character fall victim to his hubris when his construction practices contribute to a disaster. Note that Hudson's character comes through the movie unharmed, because who cares about justice. Be on the lookout for a song from Neil Patrick Harris, singing with Felicia Day and Patton Oswalt, and a list of made-up bad animal/disaster movie titles along the lines of Sharknado. Episode 1104 is on Netflix. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: DEATHSTALKER AND THE WARRIORS FROM HELL Season 7, Ep 3
"The Most Action-Packed Deathstalker Yet!" A smug sword guy roams a standard fantasy realm trying to overthrow an evil wizard or something. General consensus is this is a terrific episode. The movie is deeply cheesy and bad, and yet the others in its series are just as bad but also contain tons more nudity, so count yer blessings! Plus great riffing, classic movie lines like "Potatoes are what we eat!", and a bunch of Lord of the Rings references before they were cool. Host segments take on Renaissance festivals and romance novels. YouTube (1h31m) Premiered February 17, 1996. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE BRUTE MAN Season 7, Ep 2
"Towering NEW Terror! No woman safe from his crushing arms..." A guy with acromegaly is kiling people, but when he takes refuge from the police in a blind girl's house he finds himself moved to help her. He goes and steals to pay for an operation that could cure her, but also kills people because I guess old habits die hard. The police punch his ticket, but for some reason she gets the operation anyway. With short The Chicken of Tomorrow: The hazy future promises advances in the raising of chickens. Science marches on! Poor Rondo Hatton died shortly after this movie was made, from the very acromegaly that established him as "The Creeper." Although the short is great, this is one of the worse episodes of Season Seven unfortunately. Host segments are interesting though, with Pearl's date having to face off with a surprisingly protective Dr. Forrester. YouTube (1h31m) Premiered February 10, 1996. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE TIME TRAVELERS Season 11, Ep 3
"Step through 'The Time Portal' beyond the crack in Space and Time where the fantastic world of the Future will freeze your blood with its weird horrors!" Three smart scientists and a goofball travel forward in time and get stranded there, where a cadre of Eloi future scientists desperately ready a rocket to space to take them from a devistated Earth peopled with Morlocks murderous mutants. But then things go wrong.... This is a movie where the main force driving the plot is a Gilligan, a clueless klutz who, by walking through the time portal and forcing the others to follow to rescue him, messes it up for everyone. Way to go Danny. And he gets rewarded for his thoughtless act with multicolor time nookie! It's a pretty good episode. Episode 1103 is available on Netflix. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: NIGHT OF THE BLOOD BEAST Season 7, Ep 1
"No girl was safe as long as this HEAD HUNTING THING roamed the land!" An astronaut dies on reentry. Aliens are emerging from his skin, including one really big one that roams the countryside, stopping watches. Everyone wants to kill it except the astronaut, who is now not dead and full of shrimp. With short Once Upon a Honeymoon: More celestial interfering with mortal affairs, this time with an angel helping a composer write a jingle so he and his wife can go on their honeymoon. Roger Corman again, this is his next-to-last featured movie. Daddy-O informs us that the exactly same costume and location were used in 315 TEENAGE CAVEMAN. This is a weird episode because there are two sets of host segments. The first showing was on Turkey Day 1995 and an alternate storyline was written involving Thanksgiving dinner with many of the show's Comedy Central movie cameo characters, making this a nice retrospective on the CC years. Because this is the first episode of the infamous Season Seven, only six episodes long and the end of the show's run on that channel. 701 701T (1h32m) Turkey Day '95 extra bits & alternate host segments Premiered: 701T on Thanksgiving Day, November 23, 1995; 701 on February 3, 1996. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: CRY WILDERNESS Season 11, Ep 2
"Sometimes we find friends in the most unlikely places." A kid in a boarding school improbably knows Bigfoot, who appears to him in a magic vision and says his dad's in danger. So he runs home, finds his Dad, a Native American, every wild animal in North America, and a US Marshall with poor regard for the law. The guys are after an escaped circus tiger, but really the Marshall wants to kill Bigfoot, but fortunately a magic Native American and FOB (Friend Of Bigfoot) is around with an eye-gouging eagle. The kid is not traumatized by witnessing this. HAPPY END! I think this one's an early classic of the new season! The movie is just so ridiculous, it doesn't really have a plot, things just sort of happen, and everyone in it does at least one thing that is wildly irresponsible. And hey, a later host segment features a visit from Pearl, Bobo and Brain Guy, who are again tooling around the universe in the Widowmaker, going to space casinos. Pearl's attitude towards family is pretty much the same as it was around Dr. F, too, because some things never change. Episode 1102 is on Netflix. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: REPTILICUS Season 11, Ep 1
"INVINCIBLE... INDESTRUCTABLE! What was this awesome BEAST born fifty million years out of time?" Miners find some leathery tissue deep in a mine which grows into a monster and attacks Copenhagen, not a city built to withstand monster attack, with deadly cartoon slime. Also, a goofy handyman in overalls sticks his hand in an electric eel tank apparently just so he could make faces to the camera. A fine example of cinema! MST3K is back! With it comes new mads (Kinga and Max), a new host (Jonah Ray), higher production values, fancy interstitials, a skeleton band, a remix of Mighty Science Theater and the Wild Rebels cereal song at the end, and a long listing of Kickstarter backers at the end which doesn't even get out of the As in this episode. Episode 1101 is on Netflix. Premiered TODAY, April 14th, 2017. [more inside]
Movie: Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie
[MST3K: The Movie] "Every Year Hollywood Makes Hundreds of Movies. This Is One of Them!" A mad scientist performs an experiment on a man he has trapped in a low-budget space station: he makes him watch the movie This Island Earth, with the hopes of using it as a tool to conquer the world. The man and two robot friends defend their sanity by making fun of the movie, for their (and presumably our) amusement. [This Island Earth] "The Supreme Excitement of Our Time!" Handsome bold Guy Scientist and smart-and-sexy Lady Scientist are abducted into OUTER SPAAACE by Exeter, an alien with a BIG FOREHEAAAD, to help in their doomed war. MST3K the Movie came between Season Six and Season Seven of the show. It is unique for the show in many ways: it was shown in theaters, it is much shorter than an episode of the show (it's actually shorter than an unedited version of the movie they riff!), there's only two host segments, and there's only one Mad, Dr. Forrester, what with TV's Frank having left in 624. It's a pretty good entry point for the show in general, which might be useful considering what's happening in three days.... MST3K: The Movie is not available on YouTube. Premiered April 18th, 1996. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: SAMSON VS THE VAMPIRE WOMEN Season 6, Ep 24
SAMSON VS THE VAMPIRE WOMEN
aka El Santo Contra las Mujeres Vampiros. "Solo un hombre de acero... de agilidad de pantera, es capaz de lucar contra las MUJERES VAMPIROS... y ese hombre es... SANTO!" Simply, in which a masked wrestler, who is a genius crime fighter too, struggles against the legions of Hell. This is probably the silliest premise of any MST movie (even Robot Monster's gorilla-with-fishbowl was obstensibly an evil space alien), but in Mexico there were over fifty El Santo movies, and they were wildly popular. El Santo himself was a tremendous figure, an actual wrestler, and even got an awesome pilot in 2010 for his own show on the Mexican version of Cartoon Network despite dying in 1984. But even these facts are overshadowed, to MSTies, by this being not only the end of Season Six, but also the final episode of the beloved "TV's" Frank Conniff. (Well, excepting a special appearance in one later show.) YouTube, with annotations! (1h32m) Premiered March 25, 1995. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE AMAZING TRANSPARENT MAN Season 6, Ep 23
"A NATION AT HIS MERCY!" "INVISIBLE and DEADLY" Ahem! An escaped convict teams up with a mad scientist and gets turned invisibabble, but then have a disagreement as to how he should use his invisibabibility. With short The Days of Our Years: A minister tells us about his parishiners, who have to a man all been maimed, blinded or killed by machines, because God is just and holy. The poster for this movie, besides comparing the antagonist to a fart, also warned that the invisible man himself had vowed to make a personal appearance in every theater showing the film. Sigh. There is a particularly hilarious pre-movie host segment here, where Dr. F and Frank, as "Auntie McFrank," ask Mike and the bots to provide "local color" for their bed and breakfast. "Y'all got any matches for Mikey?" Jonah Ray is going to have a hard time living up this. We've also got a great short, the second of the two railroad-sponsored industrials, this one devoted to telling us about all the ways terrible, terrible machinery wages war against its creators. By the way, this is "TV's" Frank Conniff's penultimate show as Dr. F's assistant. YouTube (1h35m) Premiered March 18, 1995. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: ANGELS REVENGE Season 6, Ep 22
aka Angels' Brigade. "They're Blow You Away!" Seven young women in skintight clothes unconvincingly battle right-wing militia and neighborhood drug dealers. An obvious knockoff of Charlie's Angels, the slime just drips off this movie. In addition to Jim Backus (Misters Howell and Magoo), this movie also has Alan Hale Jr. (The Skipper!), a return appearance by Jack Palance, and also Pat "Mr. Haney" Buttram, Peter Lawford and Arthur Godfrey as himself. This one hurts. YouTube (1h32m) Premiered March 11, 1995. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS Season 6, Ep 21
"Special Guest Star playing a double Role TOR JOHNSON as the Beast" A Soviet scientist wanders the titular flats after getting subjected to moviedom's favorite evil-causing MacGuffin, radiation. Coleman Francis narrates most of his misadventures as he strangles his way through the wasteland while chased by policemen. At the end, dying, he caresses a rabbit. With two shorts: Money Talks, Because there's not a lot to do in the afterlife, the silhouetted ghost of Benjamin Franklin lectures a kid about saving and spending money wisely; and Progress Island U.S.A., Have you considered Puerto Rico? Because this short really, really thinks you should consider Puerto Rico. The last of the Coleman Francis trilogy. Although Paste Magazine's recent list (Metafilter) put this one near the bottom, both Satellite News and Mighty Jack think this is one of the best episodes. YouTube (1h32m) Premiered January 21, 1995. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: DANGER! DEATH RAY Season 6, Ep 20
aka "Il Raggio Infernale" A scientist invents a death ray--purely for peaceful purposes of course--and wouldn't you know it, its inventor gets kidnapped. It's up to James Bond expy Bart Fargo (Bart Fargo Bart Fargo Bart Fargo) to rescue him, to the tune of an unusually catchy soundtrack. Ba dup ba dup ba da da! While not as silly as 504 SECRET AGENT SUPER DRAGON or 508 OPERATION DOUBLE 007, that darn soundtrack, and the guys' fixation on it, help carry us through. YouTube (1h32m) Premiered January 7, 1995. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: RED ZONE CUBA Season 6, Ep 19
aka "Night Train to Mundo Fine" Oh god, we're HERE. John Carradine tells us (and sings!) about Griffin, who "ran all the way to hell." Griffin is who we follow, with two accomplices, as they engage of a series of pointless adventures, including participating in the Bay of Pigs (which is only the middle of the movie) and trying to muscle into a lucrative tungsten mine. With short Speech: Platform Posture and Appearance: Think tall! Talk tall! Stand tall! Walk tall! This film, another of the absolute worst MST ever did, offers an almost physical level of pain. It should be watched by diehards only, who will love this episode. But don't introduce newbies to the show with this one, or you might scar them. Good luck everyone. Against my better judgement, here is the episode on YouTube. (1h31m) Premiered December 17, 1994. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: HIGH SCHOOL BIG SHOT Season 6, Ep 18
"The Kid Who Showed the Big Time How!" A supposedly-intelligent high school student makes a series of progressively worse decisions that lead ultimately to the deaths or critical wounding of every major character. With short Out of This World: An angel and a devil each try to convince a bread deliveryman to join the light or dark sides, respectively, of bread delivery, leaving unexamined the incredible theological implications. Fan opinion of this Roger Corman movie varies widely, but I like it. The short is pretty good, one of those ridiculous industrials where supernatural entites take great interest in some poor dope's work-a-day life. This episode is not available on YouTube due to a copyright claim. Apparently the entity "BentPixels" is protective of their rights over either this secondary school film noir or the celestial battle for bread delivery to resort to legal solutions. The episode premiered December 10, 1994. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE SWORD AND THE DRAGON Season 6, Ep 17
aka "Ilya Mourometz" (USSR) "Eye-Filling Spectacle! Man Against Monsters!" "A cast of 106,000! 11,000 horses!" Russian folk hero Ilya Muromets is a chair-bound farmer who gains both the power to walk and the magic sword Invincor, and uses both to drive off the evil Tugars that threaten his land -- whose number includes his son. For once the opening ad blurbs and descriptions of this film aren't sarcastic, for this is a genuinely great movie, the third both of MST's treatments of the output of Russian director Aleksandr Ptushko. (The other two were 422 THE DAY THE EARTH FROZE and 505 THE MAGIC VOYAGE OF SINBAD.) Yet, while the movie is terrific, it's also very strange, which makes it excellent riffing fodder. Wait until you see the wind demon. It all adds up to a rare episode where you can appreciate both the film and the jokes. Also contains a favorite host segment, the "Joke by Ingmar Bergman." YouTube (1h37m) Premiered December 3, 1994. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: RACKET GIRLS Season 6, Ep 16
AKA Pin-Down Girls "The Strange LOVE-LIFE of a WRESTLING GAL!" "SEE...Intimate Scenes of Gorgeous Girl Wrestlers with the Naked Eye of the Camera!" Less a coherent narrative as an exhibition. Ladies wrestle. Their manager uses his business to launder money. But, primarily, ladies wrestle. With short Are You Ready For Marriage?: Two young lovers plan to drop out and get hitched, but a councilor warns them about the terrible possibility that they might BOING. I've heard it said that women wrestling is to this movie as jets refueling is to The Starfighters, which is a hell of a warning. By the way, there are just 14 Comedy Central episodes left in our tour. YouTube (1h32m) Premiered November 26, 1994. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: KITTEN WITH A WHIP Season 6, Ep 15
"She's all out for kicks... and every inch of her spells EXCITEMENT!" A fairly stupid, but not unkind, Senate candidate gets accidentally mixed up with a girl and her thug friends. Most viewers seem to agree this is not a terrific episode, but some humor may be wrung out of the political angle. The movie itself may be one of the better ones to get sent to the S.O.L.: it's rated Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes! It's based on a novel by the same name. YouTube (Official, with annotations!) (1h32m) Premiered November 23, 1994 (Turkey Day). [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: SAN FRANCISCO INTERNATIONAL Season 6, Ep 14
"Jet Packed Drama at a Giant Air Terminal!" Pilot for a TV show featuring the wacky shenanigans dramatic occurrences at... (spins the Wheel of Television) ...a major airport. A staple of MST3K is the failed TV pilot that never went to series. Well ha ha, this one did make it to series, minus its whole cast except for Clu Galuger, whose name sounds like it should be sung by Huckleberry Hound. YouTube (1h33m) Premiered November 19, 1994. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE SINISTER URGE Season 6, Ep 13
aka The Young and Immoral. "Compulsive Killer Strikes Terror" "Frank... Daring... Shocking Realism" The police are trying to shut down a smutty picture racket while a killer, driven to insanity by pornographic nudity, preys on local women. With short Keeping Clean and Neat: An omniscient disembodied voice tells kids how to wash and perform hygiene. The movie is the last of Ed Wood's movies that Mystery Science Theater would cover. Reactions from the fanbase are mixed: Sampo of Satellite News thinks it's so-so, but some of the commenters, and Mighty Jack, love it. Wood made a softcore version of the movie the next year, and planned a sequel that was never made. YouTube (1h30m) Premiered November 5, 1994. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE STARFIGHTERS Season 6, Ep 12
"THE BLAZING ADVENTURE of the men and planes who rocket to the very edge of OUTER SPACE!" A young Air Force cadet, who is Actual Bob Dornan and manifestly unlikeable even then, learns to fly a new jet, but forget about that. Get ready for tons of hott thicc triple-X refueling action! Oooh god. This episode has gotten something of a legendary reputation because of its great inanity (you wouldn't BELIEVE how much refueling can be in a movie), and the pointless late-film introduction of the "poopie suit," and the riffing is pretty great. The host segments have some great moments too, with the highlight being the United Servo Academy Men's Chorus. But the movie BITES, much more than the average. YouTube (1h32m) Promo (They're playing Doom!) Premiered October 29, 1994. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: LAST OF THE WILD HORSES Season 6, Ep 11
"RIDIN' HIGH... WILD... and DARING!" "A Big Action Outdoor Spectacle" A flimsy, coincidence-driven plot drives what amounts to a cowboy clearing his name for murder. The last of the Robert L. Lippert-produced movies MST would do! Also, the last MST film with music by Albert Glasser! But both of these endings are overshadowed by the riffing and sketches in this episode, which parody the Star Trek alternate universe "Mirror, Mirror" episode, with two of everyone runnin' around, evil shenanigans afoot, and, for the first host segment at least, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank are riffing the movie! YouTube (1h32m) Premiered October 15, 1994. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE VIOLENT YEARS Season 6, Ep 10
"Teenage Killers Fearing No Law! Taking Their Thrills Unashamed!" Ed Wood wrote this lurid tale of a gang of violent young women on a rampage. With short Young Man's Fancy: Produced by Jam Handy for Edison Electric, in this stealth promo for electric appliances, a "squishy" teen girl tries to attract the attention of a boy by making dinner by herself. Chris "Sampo" Cornell of Satellite News considers this his "desert island" episode. Judge for yourself! YouTube (1h31m) Premiered October 8, 1994. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE SKYDIVERS Season 6, Ep 9
"Thrill Jumping Guys...Thrill Seeking Girls... Daring Death with Every Leap!" A woman gets revenge on her philandring, skydiving husband. Puts heavy emphasis on those skydiving scenes. Remarkably boring. With short Why Study Industrial Arts: A young man enthuses about his woodworking class. The short is great, let's get that out of the way. This movie though... it's the first of the three Coleman Francis movies they did in the sixth season. All three are in that lowest-of-the-low tier. Frank himself says "It's like 'Manos' without the lucid plot." Fan opinion of the episode is pretty high, but the movie is so bad. I'm not sure if I've ever stayed awake all the way through it! Good luck everyone. YouTube (1h32m) Promo (28s) Premiered August 27, 1994. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: CODE NAME: DIAMOND HEAD Season 6, Ep 8
"One Man Stands Between the Release of a Deadly Gas and the Fate of the World." Quinn Martin, producer of 16 thousand TV shows, tried to make it 16,001 with this pilot that didn't get picked up. NBC instead showed it as a movie-of-the-week. Basically, a spy tries to stop double-agent "Tree" from selling a deadly deadly gas to a foreign power. With short A Day at the Fair: Relieve the days when rural families enjoyed themselves by meeting for agricultural exhibits once a year. The incredible excitement explodes off the screen! The short's actually okay, but the movie is serious dullsville. Even the ad quote above came from a VHS box. It's very easy to forget this episode even exists. What was I talking about again? YouTube (1h32m) Premiered October 10, 1994. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: BLOODLUST! Season 6, Ep 7
"The Foulest Passion of Them All!" Mike Brady is among the prey in The Most Tedious Game, hunted for sport by a rich guy. With short Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm: A whimsical fantasy in which a couple of city kids go to stay on their uncle's farm and don't claw their eyes out with boredom. The short's great, but the movie's kinda dull. This episode features a fateful introduction... it's the first appearance of Mary Jo Pehl as Pearl "Mother" Forrester! The fiddle player during the square dance sequence is not one of the main cast. It's someone you might have heard of! Check the episode notes for details. YouTube (1h32m) Premiered September 3, 1994. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE CREEPING TERROR Season 6, Ep 6
aka (somehow) "Dangerous Charter" A mobile home crashes to Earth containing two malevolent, ambulatory carpets with vacuum cleaner hoses attached to them. One roams the countryside at about the speed of a common sloth, its hunger for human flesh fortitutiously sated by all the people who willingly crawl inside its tiny maw. We're back into Manos territory! This is unquestionably one of the worst movies MST ever did. Wait until you see the gym scene. How did this ever get made? Wikipedia has the sordid details. There's even a movie made about the making of it, "The Creep Behind The Camera" (2014, reviewed here)! Anyway, it's one of my favorite episodes. YouTube(1h32m) Premiered September 17, 1994. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: COLOSSUS AND THE HEADHUNTERS Season 6, Ep 5
aka Maciste Vs. The Headhunters. "In a Time of Titans, Colossus Towered Above All!!!" Overexposed Italian muscleman everybeef Maciste fights... (spins the wheel of antagonists) ...evil island tribesmen. Whoever the heck Colossus is, he's not in the movie. It's probably only an inability to shoehorn this into Greek myth that's the reason translators didn't try to turn this into another Hercules movie. This is the episode with Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter. Promos (1m) YouTube (1h32m) Premiered August 20, 1994. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE Season 6, Ep 4
"Her Power Goes Beyond Life.... His Rage Survives Even Death!" A voodoo priestess revives a zombie. Okay forget that. A guy is knifed by thugs. Now forget that too. Years later, his way-too-beefy son thwarts robbers of a convenience store. It's when he exits the store that the movie really begins, as he's hit by a car driven by unruly teens. He's dead! But thanks to Ms. Voodoo, he can live again as a zombie and track down his killers, while three ineffectual policemen trace him, one of them sounding like Jim Baccus with a slow leak, and another being Actual Adam West. Oh, and Motorhead's "Ace of Spaces" is in there. The multiple prologues confused the heck out of me. Servo's Adam West impression sounds more like Shatner to me. YouTube (1h33m) Promo. Premiered November 24, 1994 (Thanksgiving Day). [more inside]