Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: US torturing of detainees, upping the stakes against Jack Warner
June 15, 2015 10:20 AM - Season 2, Episode 17 - Subscribe

This week: Ukraine President Petro Poroshenko warns Vladimir Putin likely to invade soon. Azerbaijan prepares to host the European Games, a new Olympics-style sporting festival, drawing closer scrutiny for their terrible human rights record. Canadian senators discovered to have spent over a million dollars of the government's money for things like golf and fishing trips, hockey tickets and holidays -- but spent $24 million to discover it. And Now: Newscasters Trying Not To Swear. The main story is on torture, American's attitudes and misconceptions regarding it, and how little has changed since we learned the CIA engaged in it, how it doesn't work, and why we seem to think that it does. LWT got Dame Helen Mirram to read key excerpts from it. YouTube (15m) And Now: Newscasters Not Trying Not TO Swear. And finally, an update on former FIFA vice president Jack Warner, who responded (3m) to Oliver's Trinidad TV response (4m) to his video (7m). The "epic and dramatic music" in Warner's is Ash (3m), by The Secession.
posted by JHarris (5 comments total)
- The mascots of the European Games are Jeyran the gazelle and "a pomegranate named Nar," aka "Sexy Horse and the Child Radish."

- Canada: "Five hockey rinks surrounded by bears."

Newscasters trying not to swear:
- MSNBC: "We know we're in for an expletive-storm if we lose the Senate."
- MSNBC, "All In With Chris Hayes": "...the most ludicrous piece of pink expletive they've seen all year..."
- Fox News, Ed Henry: "Let me sanitize this, it really bleeps things up."
- WGN: "If they don't step up by the end of the year, bleep 'em."
- Fox News: "Bebe Netinyahu is chickenbleep."
- CBS This Morning: "You can put a cherry on a pile of bleep, but it don't make it a sundae."
- Fox News: "You are a bleep, you are a bleeping wet dog."
- Crossfire: "I want to bleep in your bleeping mouth. I'm going to slap your bleeping mouth."
- NBC Washington: "You're going to get your bleep, beat." Offscreen: "What's the bleep?" "I can't say that."
- Fox News: "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about!" Hannity: "Woah! Bleep! What are you doin'?"

- "Torture. It's the thing that happens to Mel Gibson in all his movies."

- The Sentate Intelligence Committee Report On Torture is on Amazon, but it costs $9.99 just for the Kindle version. The website posts a link to a NYC-archived and scanned version, available here (PDF, 528p).

- Antonin Scalia: "An ill-tempered bullfrog in a robe."

Newscasters Not Trying Not To Swear:
- MSNBC: "These are good, decent, steady men, that don't go around flipping people off, or screaming 'fuck you' at the top of their lungs."
- FOX Business: "He taught me how to count change, taught me how to make sausage, he taught me how to fucking wake up--" (holds hand over mouth)
- MSNBC: "This chick is so batshit you know-- bat you-know-what, excuse me!"
- FOX News: "Look at it one more time, you're fucking--" (pained expression)
- NBC, "Today": (lady playing a driving video game) "You shouldn't be-- oh shit, Barney stop!"
- CNBC: "We shouldn't be talking about it, it's stupid fuck-- oop, it's a stupid debate."
- MSNBC: "We're acting here, we're putting on shit, nothing don't-- welcome back to Hardball."

- Oliver: "'Comedian fool?' That's not an insult, that's literally my business card! If you want to insult me, you have plenty to work with here! Why not say, I 'look like the reflection of Harry Potter in a doorknob?'"

- "We meet again, old friend. It is I: the Comedian Fool. Jack, we're a lot alike, you and I. We both know this particular music makes anything we say sound a lot more impressive than it actually is. And we both have our flaws. People have said I'm not a good listener, for example. Just as I've said you diverted $750,000 in Haiti relief funds into a bank account you controlled. And sure, we may both dispute those charges, but my point is, neither of us is perfect. So to you I say this Jack: if you really want to continue to trade shit-talking videos, with increasingly high production elements, then consider your challenge accepted, my friend. Because you have magnificent music under yours, well played. Well, I see your music choice, and I raise you-- FIRE!" (flames erupt) "Your move, Jack! Your move! Either respond to me by this time next week with a more spectacular video than this, or I will accept your graceless defeat."
posted by JHarris at 10:20 AM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

It seems the guy who made Ash has posted the Jack Warner segment on his YouTube channel.
posted by JHarris at 10:30 AM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

Now I know how Oliver's WWE entrance will be.
posted by lmfsilva at 1:46 PM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

"LWT got Dame Helen Mirram to read key excerpts from it."

That is to say, to read excerpts from the Sentate Intelligence Committee Report On Torture. Oliver said they recorded an audiobook of such readings, but I haven't found anything except what they presented on-air.
posted by JHarris at 3:09 PM on June 15, 2015

Is this the part where I start stumping for Oliver to be named as White House Press Secretary? Because damn, he REALLY gets stuff done -- and is entertaining to boot.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 8:55 AM on June 16, 2015

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