Special Event: WWE SummerSlam 2023

August 5, 2023 3:24 PM

It has not gone unnoticed on MetaFilter that the Roman Reigns "Bloodline" saga is one of the greatest pro-wrestling storylines of the past 10 years. But for certain the Tribal Combat stip won't be the only hard-hitting match of the night. Whether you want to watch Roman/Jey, Cody/Brock, Ricochet/Logan Paul, or Ronda/Shayna, this intends to be an exciting PPV.

The announced card for SummerSlam:

* "Slim Jim" SummerSlam Battle Royal: 25-man battle royal

* MMA Rules Match: Ronda Rousey vs. Shayna Baszler

No, I don't know what that means either. Supposedly this is Ronda's last hurrah before taking some time off from WWE, possibly forever. If they don't use this match as a chance to turn Shayna back into the dominant heel she was back in her NXT days, then she might as well leave with Ronda.

* WWE Intercontinental Championship Match: Gunther (c) vs. Drew McIntyre

Speaking of people whose potential was wasted, isn't it great how Drew McIntyre came back only to be the company's highest profile jobber? My prediction: Vince loves breaking records, so Gunther will break Honky Tonk Man's record, so Drew is left staring at the lights. AGAIN.

* Ricochet vs. Logan Paul

Never has a face been in direr need of punching than Logan Paul. It annoys me how he basically arrived in WWE as a celebrity walk-in and stole the show. It bothers me that he's a better promo talker than Ricochet. It infuriates me that these two will probably have a great match that Logan will win, and then he'll fuck off back to hawking caffeine to kids until Trips brings him back to boost a demographic.

* WWE Women's Championship Match: Asuka (c) vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Bianca Belair (Triple Threat match)

Enjoy the only women's title match of the night, because Rhea Ripley and the women's tag champs (who I just had to look up -- it's Chelsea Green and Sonya Deville!) all have the night off.

*World Heavyweight Championship Match: Seth "Freakin" Rollins (c) vs. Finn Bálor

If watching one faction splinter isn't enough for you, how about two? Will Damien Priest cash in his Money In The Bank briefcase to pin Rollins, then fight his teammate? Will he help Bálor win and then cash in? How will "Mami" Rhea respond? (I was only kidding, she doesn't have the night off.)

* Cody Rhodes vs. Brock Lesnar

The rubber match of their brutal trilogy. If Cody doesn't win this to come out ahead on whatever "triumph through adversity" punishment kink Triple H has him riding, then I'm completely clueless about what the plans for Cody are in 2023.

* Undisputed WWE Universal Championship and recognition of Tribal Chief Match: Roman Reigns (c) (with Paul Heyman and Solo Sikoa) vs. Jey Uso ("Tribal Combat")

WTF is tribal combat? I don't know! Is Rikishi gonna be in Jey's corner? Will they have spears? Will Samoans surround the ring like a lumberjack match? And for the love of God, will Dwayne finally show up?

posted by The Pluto Gangsta (3 comments total)

They're calling the Women's Whichever Title Match, the Cody-Brock match, and Tribal Combat "main events". That's three main events on an eight-match card. wtfwwe
posted by Etrigan at 3:43 PM on August 5, 2023

Also, there's gonna have to be some shenanigans here. The matches will likely be good (Gunther can draw four stars out of pretty much any extra-large broom; if they let Ricochet really go, he can both make Paul and himself look like stars; Reigns hasn't had a bad match in a damn while), but the storylines are... meh.
posted by Etrigan at 3:46 PM on August 5, 2023

I’m wavering between a B-minus and C-plus, depending heavily on how they try to explain the Jimmy turn. The main event could have taken half the time without losing any spots just by cutting all the portentous posing to absorb the weight of every moment.

But LA Knight won, and Iyo Sky is a champion, and Ronda’s probably gone out on her back, so I can’t say I was dissatisfied.
posted by Etrigan at 9:53 PM on August 5, 2023 [1 favorite]