Empire: Death Will Have His Day
April 30, 2016 8:56 PM - Season 2, Episode 11 - Subscribe

Hakeem gets the throne, the bone, the strut, and the suit. Cookie gets the job she always wanted. Jamal gets some tedious arguments about his sexuality. Lucious gets a gun. Andre and Rhonda get nothing but blood and pain. Anika gets to gloat.

Where have I been with these reviews? Either (a) in some kind of class or meeting that didn’t get out in time for me to get home, or (b) my TV deciding it hates Fox periodically. So what the hell, I finally had some free time to catch an episode on Hulu and here you go. I’ll try to catch up eventually, but who knows how fast that’ll be this season.

Team Lucious: So Lucious gets kicked out of his own office by the cops, sends thugs to beat up (or kill the cats of) board members*, and ends the episode by demanding that his own son shoot him in the face. Or in the back, if that’ll make you feel better. Um....seriously?! This (along with taking Hakeem to the exact spot where he shot his best friend Bunkie and confessing that he's the one that did Bunkie) is apparently Lucious’s idea of a mercy kill. Or something. Lucious is completely insane. Anyway, he is basically all, “Either you kill me or I kill you, your choice, brah.” Hakeem doesn’t do it because Hakeem does not react well to being told what to do. Oh lord. Also, I guess Cookie sleeps over at Lucious’s after his massive dumping, but not in a sexual way because her furs are still on in the morning.

* Thirsty basically encourages them to do everything but murder. Thanks, Mr. Lawyer!

Team Hakeem: Hakeem is literally strutting around on a table, wearing a suit that’s made of...euros or something? and getting laid in this episode, not to mention oh, probably running Empire or something. I still want to know why Camilla got herself married off to a lady (who’s utterly missing from the episode for no reason) in order to get Hakeem back and demand he throw over his girlfriend Laura. You cannot judge, Mrs. Whiteman. So Hakeem shows up to Mirage a Trois’s rehearsal drunk and acts like an ass, so Laura will be all “Seriously, why are you doing this?” and walk out. This does not stop Hakeem from making up with Laura later and also finally being the guy to who she loses her oh-so-Catholic virginity. He knows it’s a bad idea and does it anyway. Story of Hakeem. He also struts around on the table at the board meeting and poses like he’s Jesus. Oh lord.

Team Cookie: The one bad thing happening to Hakeem in this episode (if we don’t count that whole possible shooting thing) is Cookie hitting him with a broom handle again. (Like a review I saw online, I thought it was a katana and got excited, but no.) Anyway, Cookie is annoyed at Camilla enough to demand to work for her. Wait, WHAT? She sets up to have Lyon Dynasty sold to Empire so she can finally be head of A&R like she always wanted and then can take them down from the inside. Whatever that means on this show. Hakeem is fine with this because now that he has the throne, family means everything. Uh-HUH. Camilla rolls her eyes and walks out, as would we all.

Team Jamal: I’m not sure if Jamal is actually still running Empire or not--though apparently he doesn’t like doing it--but he decides to reiterate his homosexuality in this episode while singing some song about loving who he wants and having both a guy and a girl writhe up on him on stage while Jameson watches. I’m sure that’ll show....everyone.

Team Rhondre: Well, Rhonda ends up in a pool of her own blood, a dead baby, and having to throw her own broken phone at the door to set off the security alarm. It never looked that bad whenever that happened on the daytime soaps. Andre cries. Anika swans into the hospital to say that oh sure, there’ll be another Lyon heir some day. Very soon. How very Dynasty or Dallas, indeed. Rhonda loses her belief in God and Andre might be heading in that direction himself. Rhonda decides that after she’s afraid of taking the stairs, to take the stairs and trigger some kind of flashback.

Quote Corner:
* “This company is not gonna be run like gangsters any more.” -Camilla. YOU WISH, HONEY.
* “Hello, Cookie. It is never a pleasure to see you.” -Camilla
* “You gonna pick this bitch over your own family, Hakeem?”
“At least she don’t beat me with a purse.” --Cookie and Hakeem
* “There will be another heir!”
“You really think so?”
“I really do.” BUUUUURN Anika, burn.
* “Camilla told me I had to ditch Laura.”
“Of all the girls you go through, why is that a problem?” --Hakeem and Jamal, the latter of which can’t even keep track of all of Hakeem’s pussy no more.
“I can’t take this second rate telenovela no more,” --one of the Mirage a Trois, summing it up for us all.

I will also say that I deeply appreciated the snark of the following reviews:
Vulture> and Dave Schilling writing for the Guardian.
posted by jenfullmoon
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