Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: Alex Jones
August 3, 2017 3:34 AM - Season 4, Episode 19 - Subscribe

Okay, so there were these seven days, and during them, this happened:
  • President Trump announces--via Twitter--a blanket ban on transgender individuals serving in the US military. Oliver: "We may already be entering the Mad Libs portion of Trump's presidency, where he just persecutes groups at random."
  • The Republicans' efforts to repeal the ACA, aka Obamacare, failed on every level, as Senator John McCain, the deciding vote, voted NO in dramatic fashion.
  • Scaramucci's ascent to White House Press Secretary, an auspicious reign that will certainly last forever.
  • And Now: More Newscasters Desperately Trying Not To Say The Words "Suck My Own Cock"
  • Main story: Alex Jones, favorite talk host of Donald Trump and the "Walter Cronkite of shrieking batshit gorilla clowns," his show, and the vast array of merchandise, sold on his web storefront, that keeps it afloat, much of it medical supplements and other supplies ("nutri-ceuticals") of dubious benefit. Warning: contains images of the "perineal area." (shudder) YouTube (22m)

On Colbert's show recently, Senator Al Franken said that Chuck Schumer quickly silenced Democratic gloating after McCain's dramatic NO vote, with an arm gesture. When you watch CNN's play-by-play of the event (shown by LWT), at the very end, you can see what may be Schumer's gesture at the bottom of the screen!

Some of the products featured on Alex Jones' website as of this writing:
  • Strawberry Caveman True Paleo Formula, which is kind of like Flintstones Vitamins but in the form of a powder that expands into a disgusting goopy substance made with "cartilage, bone broth and paleo ingredients."
  • A one-year supply of Infowars Life Select Survival Food. "Survival food" is a favorite product of the fringe, and at Alex Jones' storefront you can get 1,800 servings of "Patroit Pantry," "healthy, delicious storable food, drinks and snacks" for only $1,797, which is down from its normal price of $2,195.
  • Superblue Non-Flouride Toothpaste, bubble gum flavor, "the groundbreaking toothpaste that features natural oils and ingredients used since Aboriginal and Biblical times to supercharge good oral health and fresh breath." Because as I'm no doubt you heard from someone, fluoride makes you gay.
  • Brain Force PLUS, a "neural activator." "Now is the time to secure your bottle and flip the switch for yourself."
  • Survival Shield X-2 Nascent Iodine Dietary Supplement. What the heck is Nascent Iodine? Alex Jones himself tells you in a 47 minute YouTube video about the "benefits the govt doesn't want you to know about". Oh no, the government naturally has a vested interest in keeping its population from the benefits of nascent iodine!
  • ProstaGuard! It's "all hand selected!"
  • Super Female Vitality, "the result of unparalleled ancient wisdom reinterpreted in the light of modern equipment and analysis." Remember, when searching for health solutions "specifically focused on the unique biology of women," be sure to seek out the advice of those who know best: hyper-macho, testosterone-fueled far-right radio talk show hosts.
  • And, As Seen On TV's Last Week Tonight, the Bill Clinton RAPE Whistle, a 25-cent party favor strapped to a penny-ante lanyard sold for $9.95. "Start the conversation and get the attention of everyone in the room." Yes, break into conversations with a shrill blast from a referee's best friend before you harangue them about right-wing spam fodder, that'll certainly make you popular.
F.37 "Trumpus Dumpus," REINCE PRIEBUS. (This was from before Scaramucci, the one who actually fired him, was himself fired by Kelly. It's been a busy week.)
posted by JHarris (12 comments total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
Ah, correction. Scaramucci wasn't Press Secretary, he was Communications Director.
posted by JHarris at 3:35 AM on August 3, 2017 [1 favorite]

And in case anyone has $1M laying around, you can donate that money to Doctors Without Borders by buying a single John Oliver brand Moisture-Armored Tactical Assault Wipe from HBO's store.
posted by noneuclidean at 7:14 AM on August 3, 2017 [5 favorites]

groundbreaking toothpaste that features natural oils and ingredients used since Aboriginal and Biblical times

Yes, because ancient history was known for pearly white teeth.
posted by Servo5678 at 7:31 AM on August 3, 2017 [4 favorites]

Hey, let's be honest, I look at Alex Jones, and I immediately think "health". Not a chance I'd pass buying healthy products from some dude that looks a good 10 years older than he is. Then again, he probably doesn't do the stuff, and eats like a satanist to prove it means nothing.
posted by lmfsilva at 8:51 AM on August 3, 2017

I had never seen Alex Jones or his show before. Fascinating. Who is the actor who plays him? Isn't he worried about getting typecast?
posted by ubiquity at 8:59 AM on August 3, 2017 [1 favorite]

Who knows, he could just be Gwyneth Paltrow in disguise.
posted by noneuclidean at 9:30 AM on August 3, 2017 [5 favorites]

I had never seen Alex Jones or his show before. Fascinating. Who is the actor who plays him? Isn't he worried about getting typecast?

Bill Hicks. After his standup career died, he doesn't have much more to lose.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:42 AM on August 3, 2017 [4 favorites]

Who is the actor who plays him? Isn't he worried about getting typecast?

Actually, during a very interesting testimony, it comes out that the character is portrayed by an actor/entertainer named Alex Jones.
posted by FatherDagon at 6:48 PM on August 3, 2017 [3 favorites]

Last night at writing group, a guy named his character Alexander Jones originally and I think he just saw this episode because once we got to the meeting, he was all, "I'm changing his name."
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:49 PM on August 3, 2017 [2 favorites]

An old performance from 2001, the waking life movie.

Mentions "classism."

What can I say, the left doesn't buy enough vitamins, man.
posted by eustatic at 10:39 AM on August 4, 2017

Being a shill is a smart move. He has no (few?) sponsors can be offended and pull their funding. He's beholden to his audience-customers, which is precarious until you get a lot like he has.
posted by Monochrome at 8:55 PM on August 5, 2017

Does Alex Jones and his products remind anyone else of the Reverend Little Ed and his John the Baptist Shower curtains and Dead Sea Scroll steak knives?
posted by orange swan at 3:18 PM on August 6, 2017

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