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If you open yourself up to it, love can find you in the strangest of places. In the meat aging attic. In Crash Bandicoot's loaded back pocket. Or, in an unassuming serving of customizable, hastily baked authentic Italian pasta. Come, have a bowl. Reconnect. Suggested talking points: Old Beef Jokes, Sporf, Damien Adultduck, The Raw Voice, Brown Sonic, Veggie Extravaganza, Tom Orrow, The Inside of Superman's Mouth and Butt
The defenders of Kepler, West Virginia continue their desperate struggle for survival. A world away, a softly spoken truth reverberates down a subterranean chasm. The Pine Guard's destiny waits below. The penultimate episode of the Amnesty campaign.
We're returning from a big, wild family vacation, and so we present to you our big, wild live show from Atlanta! We performed it last weekend, back when we were SO jacked up on Coca-Cola that a beam of brown, carbonated energy shot out of our chest and blew a hole in the ceiling. You probably read about it in the newspapers.
It's July 2016. Then-FBI Director James Comey gives a press conference explaining that, while he has recommended that the Justice Department not pursue charges against Hillary Clinton for her mishandling of classified information, Clinton's conduct was "extremely careless." Evidence has never surfaced that Clinton's account was compromised. But a Republican political operative named Peter Smith becomes obsessed with the idea that Russia might have gained access. He spends the next year trying to get ahold of Clinton emails that he thinks Russia has hacked. But he never gets to see what Special Counsel Robert Mueller makes of his efforts—because a year later, he dies by suicide. [more inside]
It's April 18, 2019, Attorney General Bill Barr summons reporters to the Department of Justice in Washington DC. Robert Mueller's report is about to be released. Before the press and the public finally see the document for themselves, Barr wants a chance to tell his own version of the story it contains. But is the bottom line according to Barr the same as the bottom line according to Robert Mueller? We'll let you decide. [more inside]
For millennia, mankind has searched for what could be universally considered the worst, yuckiest, most profane, most inscrutable condiment to ever exist, or ever would exist, forever and ever. We're pleased to announce: The search is over. Suggested talking points: Joker Watch, Pennysweets, Flesh Bottle, A New Possum Kingdom, Briefcase Use Case, Hummus Smuggler
What if someone told you about a type of therapy that could help you work through unhealed trauma in just ten sessions? Some people knock through it in two weeks. Jaime Lowe tried the therapy—and recorded it.
It's December 29, 2016. The Obama administration announces that it's imposing sanctions on Russia, as punishment for election interference. Michael Flynn has been tapped to become Trump's national security advisor when the new administration takes office in January, but it's still the transition period. Flynn is taking a few days vacation at the beach, when he sees the news. He grabs his phone and texts the transition team at Mar a Lago. He writes "Tit for tat with Russia not good" and says that the Russian ambassador, Sergey Kislyak is reaching out to him today. Flynn calls Kislyak and asks that Russia not escalate in response to the sanctions. Apparently, it works. The next day, in a surprise move, Putin says that Russia won't retaliate. Trump tweets, "Great move on delay (by V. Putin). I always knew he was very smart." [more inside]
Throw on your largest, most profane novelty T-Shirt and crack open a cold, fresh bottle of Old El Paso — it's jokes time again! Suggested talking points: Gridiron Wisdom, Feature Length Texts, What to Wear to Cave, Big Johnson, The Great Coupon Heist, Travis' Falsified Book Report Service
Storm and fury overtake Kepler, West Virginia. Pieces of an ancient puzzle move closer together. The survivors of Sylvain's fall take shelter. The source of an unimaginable power is revealed.
Hey, Summer! Come over here for a second! We want to talk to you about ... the beach. All the beach stuff we want to do during you, Summer. What's that bear trap doing on the ground? Why's Autumn hiding behind us with a big net in its hand? Don't worry about that, Summer. Just ... come over here for a sec, will ya? Suggested talking points: Backpack Shopping, LASIK Check-In, Master Chief Lessons for Baby Boomers, Ghost Rider vs. Everyone, Pasta 4 Life, Ranch Mouth, Get Sticky Off It
It's the morning of April 25, 2016. At a hotel in London, a Maltese professor meets with a young foreign policy adviser to the Trump campaign. The two have been in touch over the past few weeks; the professor has been helping the young man connect with Russian officials. Now, over breakfast, the professor lets him in on a secret. On a recent trip to Moscow, high-level government officials told him that the Russians have "dirt" on Trump's opponent. What was the "dirt" in question? "Emails," he says. They have "have thousands of emails."
We have been smashed to pieces by our recent viewing of Hobbs and Shaw, which may explain the somewhat punch-drunk nature of today's episode. It's also possible we've been sprayed with some kind of Jason Statham neurotoxin. In either case: Enjoy! Suggested talking points: 5DXXX, Neighbor Lube, Buying Money, Potential Golf Family, Secret Chicken Debut, Chinning, Fun Facts
As the Russians were engaged in operations to hack and dump emails, the Trump campaign and its associates were in communication with Wikileaks about the distribution of stolen materials. But that's far from the whole story of the Trump campaign's connections to Russia during the 2016 election. As Special Counsel Robert Mueller began to piece together the rest of that story, his investigation came to focus on two Trump Towers. The first is Trump Tower Moscow. Beginning all the way back in 2013 and through the spring of 2016, the Trump organization is pursuing a project to build a skyscraper in Russia. For a long time, the plans for Trump Tower Moscow had gone nowhere. But when Donald Trump announces he is running for president, things start to get interesting.
The Department of Unexplained Phenomena's grip on Kepler's topside begins to loosen as The Pine Guard attempts to infiltrate their compound. A deadline approaches. The Quell is waiting.
We spent pretty much all of last week on Island Time, which means we didn't have time to record our japes and post them online for you, our dear friends. Instead, please enjoy this VILE episode that we did in Cleveland, a city that we ruined, with our filth.
It's July 27, 2016. Donald Trump has just given a press conference during which he suggests that Russia hack Hillary Clinton and release the 30,000 allegedly missing emails from her private email server. The Russians, unbeknownst to people in the United States, appear to take the request seriously and hour later begin cyber-attacking Clinton's private office for the first time. Privately, Trump has instructions for his top aides: He repeatedly asks individuals affiliated with his Campaign to find the deleted Clinton emails too. His national security adviser, Michael Flynn, says Trump made this request repeatedly. And so Flynn acts on it, teaming up with a shadowy Republican political operative in an ill-fated attempt to track down a trove of Clinton emails from Russian hackers
The allied forces of Kepler, WV finish their preparations for the daunting task that lies before them. As the sun sets over the shattered mountain above, wheels are put into motion.
It's March 2016. John Podesta is sitting at his computer. He opens an email. Something's wrong with his password, it says. It looks a little fishy, but IT says it is legit. And so he clicks. He follows the prompt. inputs his old password, resets a new one. And just like that hackers from a Russian military intelligence unit are in. It barely takes a minute, one click and a few keystrokes and there is no going back.This is Episode 2 of The Report: Hack. Dump. Divide
In today's episode, we stumble upon a new motto, a new personal mantra to guide us into the new Roarin' 20s — but, unfortunately, it has a cuss in it. And we're not sure if we're allowed to put cusses in this description. We're gonna go ask iTunes if we can cuss, BRB. Suggested talking points: San Diego Discomfort Con, Two-Step Tip, Edible Tattoos, Dirty Dog Pizza, The Bell Hotel, Beast Food