Empire: Poor Yorick
October 14, 2015 10:53 PM - Season 2, Episode 4 - Subscribe

Here comes the FBI, invading all Lyon family businesses! The Lyons attempt to put up a show of support by having Hakeem and Jamal do a video together, which does not go so well. Some creepy ass painter/photographer is drooling over Jamal. Hakeem continues to actually make good points. Cookie gets a surprise arrest. Andre finds a way to get back into Empire by ah, digging.

The FBI comes to raid both Empire and Lyon Dynasty. Did they come up with anything? Uh...so far no, I guess? Becky tries to film it with phones and gets hers stolen and she has to hide with Jamal's. Lucious takes the opportunity to stroll into the business he's banned from entering because fuck that, and Mimi shows up to say she's down with this because after she went into remission she decided to enjoy life.

For some crackass reason, the Lyons decide that he best way to show team unity is to have the singing sons do a video together. While I like the song ("it's not about the money, it's about the power") and god knows it's the most fitting to the plot ever, the post-apocalypse thunderdome Black Panther video theme is eye-roll-y. Jamal looks pretty ridiculous taking the lead in this one.

Team Lucious: Dude can always take an opportunity to show himself off--at board meetings ("Where we come from, if the cops raid your house, that makes you a G." And he's an OG with a ghetto pass and we're so dangerous even the FBI wants to shut us down!), flashing Roxanne with his penis, what have you. Oh yeah, and he totally argues most sincerely to Hakeem. he would have never touched Bunkie. (Go look at the expressions on Cookie and Andre's faces during that bit.)
The Mama Flashback Tour continues as we find out that CPS was called on little Dwight's mom back in the day.
Lucious is generally being nice to the sons this week--makes some track for Hakeem in another play to get him to come back (still no dice) and lets Andre back into Empire after ah, Andre gives him a big ol' present. Well, he does tell Hakeem that Jamal got the job because Jamal can function without his momma.
Lucious burns a photo of him and Bunkie and Vernon at the end. Dude, that shit should set off a fire alarm, do it outside.

Team Cookie: Cookie and Lucious negotiate a truce for the time being. Don't poach, let me on the radio, stay away from my masters (recordings, I think). While Lucious won't budge on the radio and says it's all to turn Hakeem into a man and get him to get creative--if he wants it bad enough, he'll figure it out himself--the rest of that's not bad.
But Cookie gets arrested while walking around outside during a break from the photo shoot. Note that this happens WHILE SHE IS ON THE PHONE WITH PORSHA, who apparently did NOT call a lawyer as requested. (Hakeem is the only one wondering where his momma is, but does anyone try to track her down?) Porsha is so fired anyway because Cookie got busted for jumping a turnstile. Does she look like the kinda girl who does that? No, but SOMEONE looking like Porsha who gave the name Cookie Lyon did. Guess who so needs to be fired.
Anyway, this is all another ploy by Roxanne Ford to make Cookie squeal or else she'll go after Cookie's kids, gee, I hope Andre doesn't commit suicide or anything.. (Plus Cookie is also having unpleasant flashbacks of her own about prison.) Cookie gets the bright idea to say that while she has no idea about Bunkie, they were fighting over that Apex Radio deal...Roxanne is all good work, Cookie, that deal is over. Bwahahahahah. And Cookie gets out.
It should probably tell you something that after insulting Roxanne's hair, Cookie actually compliments it/sucks up later.

Team Thirsty: Thirsty (who I keep wanting to call Tricky FOR REALLY OBVIOUS REASONS) is clearly a soul brother to Lucious in so many ways. Sleeps over with some twins, brings him coffee in the morning. While he can't prevent a house invasion, he's excellent at stalking Andre and tracking down a body. No, seriously, he has a specialized device for this. Where on earth do you get one of these and how often do you have to use it?!
"It's your basic corpse-detection system."
"And you just happen to have that handy?"
"Only for the holidays." --Thirsty and Rhonda.

Team Roxanne: Good moments for her: FBI raids, arresting and getting information out of Cookie. Bad moments: that information may not quite be what she was going for, she sees Lucious naked (KEEP IT CLASSY, LUCIOUS), and she finds Vernon's decomposed corpse in her car. DAMN, GUYS, DAMN. Oh, THERE's the Yorick!

Team Anika: Anika continues to be pathetic in this one, still begging Cookie for a job, still not getting one. I don't even want to recap this, but it's time for Anika to move on with her life and fuck these people, really. Go start your own company or something, this is weak. (Seriously, show, either give her something else to do like start her own company or move her along. Maybe have her squeal to the FBI?)

Team Jamal: Jamal's getting on the cover of Rolling Stone? This super creepy sketchy bearded crazy-eyed photographer/painter ("the next Warhol") is conspicuously drooling over his ass in front of Michael. Jamal, don't go for it! That dude is a potential stalker! Anyway, while Jamal and Lucious love the garish painting the dude does, Hakeem hates it, says it's tacky, and eventually takes a knife to the neck of it. The crazy artist is basically all, let's incorporate it into the work, it's art! He didn't ruin the work ,he just changed it, it's fluid and ephemeral. Jamal reasonably wonders, "it's saying I need to have my throat slit?", but eventually he's convinced, and then they plaster posters of it around.

Team Hakeem: I gotta say it, Keem's growing up and being fairly sensible in this episode. He finds a new lead singer for his girl group, he reasonably dislikes the garish painting of Jamal and stabs it in the neck, and he eventually gets fed the fuck up, gets into a fight with Jamal, and walks out of the shoot.

Team Rhondre: Andre continues to ride the breakdown train, getting the bright idea that if he finds Vernon's corpse, he can get back into Empire (which works, incidentally). Oh, and GOD IS SPEAKING TO HIM NOW. Rhonda's face when he announces this is a giant OH SHIT. Rhonda attempts to point out that if he goes to jail (taking the rap for her), then he's still not exactly back in Empire for very long, but there's not a lot of logic getting through to Andre now.
So then they go off to find the body, but somehow managed to bury him in a copse of trees that all look alike and have the same hole in them, which makes me wonder if they wandered into a video game or horror movie or what.
Then OMG SOMEONE'S COMING...and it's Lucious and Thirsty, who tracked Andre's car and JUST HAPPENS to have a corpse tracker with him. Lucious is delighted at Rhonda's homicide with the candlestick and says she saved his life. Welcome back to Empire, son!

Quote Corner is FUN this week:
"Damn, you even talk crooked." -Cookie to Thirsty.
"I'm a run a car over your snake oil ass." --Cookie continued.
"Grandma Moses shut up for the first time." -Lucious to Cookie
"Tell me a grandma that got an ass like this." --Cookie.
"This is wrecking my soul." --Crazy Rolling Stone Artist Guy. (Seriously, Jamal, he's not even cute.)
"It's nice seeing the family together." -Lucious.
"If I die in police custody, I did not commit suicide!" -Cookie
"I'm ride or die. All the way. Till death do us part. Or prison." -Rhonda.
"Now remember, you'll defeat the riot squad with your brotherly love!" --the video director, BWAHAHAHAHAHAH.
"And your weave is nice, I'm sorry." "And so is your wig." --Cookie and Roxanne.
"It's the devil himself, and I want your soul." --Lucious be rollin'
"You rot in hell, you snitch!" --Lucious to Vernon's corpse.

Who woulda thunk, eh?
"Mom, you can't trust anybody in this business. My own dad tried to kill my girl group."
"Ma, you ain't gonna worry about that fool." You are probably not right about that.
"Ma, we're moguls now."
"Ma, we all best friends."
"It's the most ugliest painting I ever seen in my life."
"Why y'all look shocked? This family never been a real family."

That kid is on fire with the insights this week.

Fashion Corner:
Again, just because Mimi's gay doesn't mean she has to wear ugly suit jackets. Kinda almost liked the gold Beatles ensemble, though.
Cookie seems to be imitating Michael Jackson at the photo shoot, which is a good move. I think her quilted patchwork outfit for her meeting with Lucious is the best, though.
posted by jenfullmoon (4 comments total)
Oh, other Empire snark:

"His album is called The Artist, and it’s a manifesto. Come the hell on. That’s the most pretentious thing I’ve ever heard, but it’s also perfect for Jamal. Bless his little shiny sensitive unicorn heart, and bless the Empire writers for being unable to come up with another album title."
"The FBI storms in and Lucious is standing there. FULLY NUDE. Lucious. You have got to stop living like this. You officially have gone from smarmy mastermind to dude no one wants to sit next to on the train."
"Cookie also screams “TELL ME A GRANDMA THAT GOT AN ASS LIKE THIS.” Cookie is my Patronus. Cookie is the hero we need and deserve. I wanna write a poem about her ass, but in a respectful normal way."

AV Club:
"If Andre can track down Vernon and neutralize the threat he poses, he’ll regain his job as CFO. The CFO position has apparently remained unfilled all this time at a multi-million dollar company, I guess because the interviewing candidates kept getting snagged when asked “Tell me about a time you buried and/or dug up a corpse to keep your boss out of prison.” Well the executive search is over, thanks to a tracking bug placed on Andre’s car and Thirsty’s skill with a corpse detecting device. Vernon’s unrecognizable body is propped in Ford’s car, and yet another truce has been reached in the vicious war between Empire and Dynasty. It says something about Empire when the image of a man, his crooked lawyer, his son, and his pregnant daughter-in-law digging up a corpse in a montage set to a ranchera ballad is the second most befuddling thing to happen in a episode."
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:13 PM on October 14, 2015

The photographer was played by Buffy's villain Warren with really odd hair. I really wish I was friends with Danny Strong, he is involved with so many things that I like.
posted by armacy at 7:15 AM on October 15, 2015

Oh damn, didn't even recognize him under all that hair and looking like a bum and crazy eyes!
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:43 PM on October 15, 2015

Team Michael: Bored now. He's so cute, but all he ever does is sit around and look pissy. Give him something to do or show him the door!

Team Anika: If she was posting to Ask Metafilter about her crappy job and her creepshow ex and her really bad decisions, we would all be telling her to DTMFAs, every single MF in her life. I want her to go back home, let her parents spoil her and get her self-esteem back up, get her back some of that debutante vibe. Then after she goes to sleep, they can toast to not having Lucious Lyon as a son-in-law every night for weeks without it getting old.

Team Cookie: I felt so much pain for her when she was remembering her breakdown in prison, because I'm sure she wasn't thinking "I don't want to go back to prison" but "I don't want my kids to go to prison." Ford deserves a nice corpse in her car!

Team Hakeem: It occurs to me that Lucious made the wrong choice in passing on Empire, if he wanted someone who thinks most like him. The FBI raided Empire; Jamal's response was to bunker down and not make waves, and I'm sure that would have been Andre's choice in his position. But I think Hakeem would have reacted like Lucious did.

Look, Gabourey Sidibe is recapping Empire episodes! A good showing for Team Becky, with the presence of mind to video it all.
posted by shirobara at 9:24 PM on October 20, 2015

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