Jane the Virgin: Chapter Twenty-Five
October 26, 2015 10:32 PM - Season 2, Episode 3 - Subscribe

Jane finds out about Petra's pregnancy, gets into grad school but may have to leave Mateo sooner than she thought, and gets Mateo baptized. Rogelio deals with his evil ex issues. Nobody misses Luisa one bit. Michael is adorable despite his lack of spray tan.

Jane is going to some baby bonding class with Mateo where they are told to narrate to the baby what they're doing and make him blink along with you. The narrator is all "But don't step on my toes, Jane, I've got work to do." Jane is also planning the baptism, with touching moments with the ladies of the family. Jane wants Michael as godfather (Rafael actually asked him earlier when he got the baby back), Lina is godmother. The baptism speech, passed down from mother to daughter, is very touching.

Rafael is unfortunately pretty distracted by Petra's sperm stealing, which possibly makes Jane drop a bad word that is hidden by church bells. "How do you find the words to say your psychotic ex-wife inseminated herself with your stolen sperm?" indeed. Why did she do such a thing? Well, remember when we made her think you still love her.... Also, "Thanksgiving will never be the same" when anyone thinks of turkey basters. (Jane also pictures imaginary baby Yvgeny biting her Mateo at the holiday.) Petra's proposal to Rafael and Jane is that (a) she aborts, (b) she sleeps with an Russian oligarch within the next month and passes the kid off as his, or (c) they all coparent together. Xo is in favor of abortion, Alba likes Plan Oligarch.

Rogelio's costar was in a horrible boating accident and Make Love Week (the Shark Week of telenovelas) is coming up. Rogelio suggests many ladies, including Emma Stone, "I hear she can play any race." BWAH, WRITERS, BWAH. Anyway, Dina the head writer wants to bring in Rogelio's evil ex Luciana instead. Is this a good idea? Maybe not, when you see Luciana's hoarder storage unit, hear Rogelio's pained journal entries about feeling like a kitten with no fur and an abandoned peach rotting "in a compost pile of tears." Oh yeah, and she may be a bunny boiler? Or at least we see her with a rabbit, which is safe...for now. Plus there's the part where they make out in front of Xo, who runs for it. Alba dramatically "baptises" Xo herself with her water glass and says, "You always bail when you feel threatened. Work through it!" Xo admits she's threatened, Rogelio admits there is chemistry with her, "but let's be real, I would have chemistry with a cardboard box." He says he insists on not having Luciana in the show. Until Luciana shows him a video as blackmail...CLIFFHANGER!

Jane gets into grad school and does a little dance about it, but there's a catch: she needs to take one world lit class before starting in the fall, and summer school starts...tomorrow. I about choke at the ease and speed of getting into a summer school class within 24 hours. Jane begs to bring the baby to class, but of course the inevitable crying and stroller dropping down the stairs occurs. Can she bear to leave her baby at 3 weeks old? (For a few hours, I hope so--I know I'm a catty childfree bitch,but leaving him for a few hours of class a week isn't like leaving him for 9 hours of a job a day, especially when I think you have a sitter or two available. I think you can swing it, girl.) Xo, remembering a conversation about Jane asking her to let her know when she's about to let motherhood hijack her goals, does so. Jane bails on grad school once Mateo blinks, then her family is all "he already did that." Also, people miss stuff all the time with babies, it happens.

Oh yeah, Rogelio has come up with a plan for Michael, Plan Macho Macho Man, which involves an #AmbushSprayTan for Michael because he's too pale for the baptism and making him write stuff he'd normally say to Jane in a journal. "Rogelio told me about Plan Macho Macho Man. Did you really think I'd respond to that sort of thing?" Jane says. "Jane, stop. Go look in your room," he replies. He wrote in a journal for three days, saying what he would have said. You practically gave birth in a professor's office trying to get into grad school, so go. Now that he has experience with the whole surprise insemination thing, and he did it all wrong, he recommends that she embrace it, which he should have done. AW, MICHAEL! You are MVP this episode, bro. Anyway, after that Jane consents to making it work with Petra ("Oy, I think that's her version of a happy dance," the narrator says when Petra hears the news) and begging the professor over 12 voice mails to let her into grad school again. Sure, but we're now on an e-mail only policy. Jane and Rafael kiss, and Petra photographs this.

Nobody has missed the kidnapped Luisa, Rafael assumes "she probably ran off to her ashram or something." She's been kidnapped by Germans, and Luisa's German knowledge from Oktoberfest boils down to "I'm not interested in you, but I will have sex with your wife!" Luisa deduces that Rose must be her kidnapper ("This is so crazy, but it's also kind of romantic, don't you think?") and is all flattered and feels safe.... until she finds out Rose isn't the kidnapper, the kidnappers are trying to get Rose's attention, and they kneecap Luisa. Ouch.

Oh, and Michael gets a call from the vineyard proprietors: Denise was the name Rose was using, she brough great suffering onto their village, and all you need to know is the name Heidi von Ocher.
posted by jenfullmoon (5 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
That's quite the recap!

I've never watched a regular telenovela, but I love the ridiculousness of this show mixed with the acting & directing style of a prime-time drama (i.e. not like a soap opera).

Looking forward to finding out who Heidi is :)
posted by Laura in Canada at 5:55 PM on October 27, 2015

The summer class thing felt like manufactured drama. How many hours a week could that possibly take her away from Mateo? 10 tops? It's not like she's going back to work full-time.

I'm glad they acknowledged the existence of abortion again, but seriously, why would they not want Petra to get one? She doesn't want to be a mother. She conceived this baby in an attempt to snare Rafael. They do not want to be entangled with her for their entire lives. It's frustrating that this just doesn't happen on 90% of TV shows no matter how obvious it is as a solution.
posted by chaiminda at 3:08 AM on October 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

As far as the abortion suggestion, I don't think Rafael would tell anyone to abort his child, and similarly, I don't see Jane as the kind of woman to suggest aborting a pregnancy to another woman, regardless of who it is, especially so soon after becoming a mother. I'm sure she'd be accepting of it if both Petra & Rafael chose to abort, but that's different than telling someone that you would like them to.
posted by Laura in Canada at 7:41 AM on October 28, 2015

I guess on the one hand, I think it should be entirely Petra's choice, but she did ask for feedback from Jane and Rafael--knowing, of course, that they would choose option three because that's just how they are.

I don't know. I feel bad for that poor kid.
posted by chaiminda at 9:44 AM on October 28, 2015

I don't think you go into "I'm gonna get knocked up to snag my ex, IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE," with a turkey baster, with any actual consideration for abortion. She knew darned well neither R nor J was gonna vote for that one, especially with The Last Sperm Ever.

Kinda reminds me of reading the book Acheron by Sherrilyn Kenyon, in which Artemis deliberately binds her ex-boyfriend to her for eternal life even though she should know darned well he hates her guts by now and that this is a horrible idea.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:41 PM on October 29, 2015

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