Last Man on Earth: Secret Santa
December 6, 2015 10:16 PM - Season 2, Episode 9 - Subscribe

It's Christmas at Ground Zero, and Carol is blinging up EVERYTHING!

Carol's "not QUITE done" decorating--right now the house is at Bruce Banner levels of decoration and it's about to become Christmas Hulk! "I think it's like Santa ate the Rockefeller Christmas tree and then took a big dump on the walls," says Gail. Tandy is literally dressed as a Christmas tree in a similar suit to his weird haystack one, except now with ornaments on it. He literally blends in with the tree. I love it.

Time to pick Secret Santa names! Carol forces them all to eat the papers, and then yells at Melissa for loudly requesting Jimmy Choo thigh-high boots, size 6.5. "It's Secret Santa, not Live-Out-Loud Santa!"

The other ladies are hiding in the undecorated oasis when Carol comes in to bling it up. "Even gorillas don't have hair on their nipples," says Gail, enough is enough. Todd and Gail ahem, both go shopping. But not together! Tandy wants Phil2 to move back into the house and extends an invite, and then gives him Erica's name, which he drew and then didn't swallow. Who did you get? "You," says Phil2. Tandy claims the look on Phil2's face is all he needed--and then fumes at Phil2's lack of gratitude.

Melissa finds her room covered in fake snow. "I call it Frosty's lair. It's where Frosty comes to think," says Carol. Melissa can only say thank you. Carol then razzes her some more about Secret Santa surprises, and Melissa tells her she and Todd broke up. "Did lovemaking become a chore? Come here, you little vixen. The reindeer, not the whore." Melissa says she's fine, she's just worried about Todd (who's making out with Gail).

There is some giant floating Santa above the house right now, btw. I wonder if anyone will see it FROM SPACE?

Anyway, it's Christmas and Phil2 give a speech thanking....not you, Tandy, God. Tandy later tries to hint to Phil2 about that "Footprints" poem and how he carreid Phil2 out, and then gives him the Hope Diamond (so totally not the Hope Diamond) to give to Erica. Phil2 is fine, thanks.

Secret Santa time!

* Erica got Carol a seat from Oprah's studio audience, with J.Lo's Oscar dress under her chair! Carol puts it on over her current outfit. "Shut all the doors in the house, Erica!"
* Todd got someone special, Gail...uh, no, she's not THAT special, "just uh, human celery." He got her the ZZ Top Car and says, "This was a wonderful transaction." "I love how Secret Santa puts on the oddest pairs!" squeals Carol.
* What did Tandy give himself? A yacht! "I'd like to thank the previous owner, the late Pitfull." Can we have parties on it? Uh, no, because Tandy hasn't blown anything up in weeks and he blows it up. Everyone stomps out in a huff.
* Carol had Melissa and got her those boots, but covered in rainbow unicorn bling! (And to be fair, a plain pair too.) "I huffed so much glue to make those." I'LL BET YOU DID. Seriously, Carol is so fucking high right now, you guys.
* Melissa got Todd, awkward. She remembers some horrible story about his high school prom and says he deserves to be king, so she got him a sash, crown, and scepter. They hug, but he removes that stuff pretty quickly and she looks sad.
* Gail drew Phil2, and her "enthusiam" for that is so obviously nonexistent. She grabs a wicker ball in front of her and hands it to him. Carol is all, sometimes the best gifts are right in front of you all the time!
* Phil2 got Erica and his gift is in the solar house--he set up a medical office so they can do a sonogram. Wait a minute, any of them know how to do a sonogram?! I guess we're pretending they do. Tandy hints about giving Erica the Hope Diamond, but Phil is fine. Tandy seethes that "I"m so done with this turd" and how he sets Phil2 up for stuff and then he pees on it....then Phil2 asks Tandy for a drink. They have one quiet (literally) drink in a bar and then Phil2 wants to leave. Uh-HUH.

Melissa walks in in the bling boots and says that Secret Santa has worked on her feeling things. Todd is warm and caring and sees the world through rose colored glasses, and she knows she can be cold and negative "and my glasses are basically crap-colored." But that's what made her fall in love with him and the only time she feels like she's living is when she's with him and...she proposes!

And then suddenly Phil2 keels over in agony, looking like he's got appendicitis.

Meanwhile, back in space, Mike has cracked up from 3 years of being alone, is rude to his worm and then the worm dies, and then he decides to space himself to death, writing his name on the "RIP" list too. Then he sees one last worm alive and tries to abort--too late, he shoots out into space.
posted by jenfullmoon (5 comments total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
I thought Tandy's brother was going to see Carol's Christmas display from space.
posted by drezdn at 9:20 AM on December 7, 2015

Maybe he will in the next episode? I am wondering that too.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:58 AM on December 7, 2015

Yeah, that's gotta be the end result. The aerial shot of the big balloon was too obvious if it doesn't end up signalling him somehow.

I've really enjoyed how this season has inverted "Everyone likes each other except Phil, who is an asshole" into "Everyone hates each other except Phil, who's still basically an asshole."
posted by Etrigan at 11:06 AM on December 7, 2015

The under-lying theme of the show seems to be that even with most of the stress in the world and nearly anything they want available to them, these unhappy people will always be unhappy.
posted by drezdn at 3:07 PM on December 7, 2015

To be fair, these are survivors of an apocalypse and all of them have probably done time thinking they were the last man or woman on earth. That can't be good for your sanity. Sure, Phil Tandy's the most obvious one with socialization issues once there are other humans, but they're all learning that being stuck with the same people, and only these people, for the rest of your life without any options of anyone else coming around, sucks. (Plus makes you fuck a CPR dummy.)

Also, most of them have no purpose or goal in life. Carol crafts, Melissa reads, Gail drinks, Phil Tandy blows shit up, and god only knows what everyone else is doing. Phil2 is usually the only one trying to actually do things and survive. There's not a whole lot of activity going on with them trying to survive, they just kind of veg and mooch...for now, anyway.

Also, most of 'em ain't that bright.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:42 PM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

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