The Bachelorette: The Final Rose
August 2, 2016 7:27 AM - Season 22, Episode 11 - Subscribe

The season is finally over.

Not much to say, as this was a snoozer of a finale, in my opinion. Jordan receives the final rose, as most saw coming about 10 episodes ago. Robby is heartbroken but gracious. No word on the pick for the next Bachelor - will it be Robby or Luke? And BIP season premiere is tonight, are you tuning in? Should we keep the fanfare convo going for that train wreck?
posted by bologna on wry (22 comments total)
I really gotta give it up to you guys. You saw the disingenuous in Jordan way before I did. I really wanted to believe him, but I gotta admit over these last few episodes, and especially last night, all I could think of when he was on screen was, "Wow, what a boldfaced fucking liarhead."

You know when you have a gut reaction to the truthfulness of someone? Like, you just have a sixth sense of their veracity? All of the bells and whistles and sirens in my head and gut and arms and toes were ringing and dinging and clanking and whirring. That guy is one stunning, slick manipulator.

I give their relationship, at best, six to eight months. I have a feeling it will take a while to fully burn to the ground because they'll hang on for dear life. To admit defeat would prove all their skeptics right, and that motivation will be a powerful force keeping them together.

What do you guys think?
posted by bologna on wry at 7:36 AM on August 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

Hey, welcome back! Sorry about not posting anything last week. Some power lines outside my apartment caught fire during Monday's show, so I didn't watch. I eventually Hulu'ed The Men Tell All, but it was not memorable enough to justify a post here.

My favorite part of the night was Chris Harrison's constant declarations that we would "clear up" the situation between the Rodgers brothers, culminating in this gratifying exchange:

Harrison: "Has their been any change in your relationship with your brother, Aaron?" (Implied, but not actually asked: You know, the one who's a successful football player, and who doesn't have to go on a reality TV show to meet women?)
Rodgers: "No."

The end. Some clarifications.

It's a pretty good summary of this episode, which was about two and a half hours too long, including After the Final Rose. All buildup, all letdown.

Supposedly, their relationship is already on the rocks, last night's talk of "wedding preparations" notwithstanding.

JoJo's dad is a strange looking guy.

I had something else funny to say, and I forgot.

I do have to say, I admire Chris Harrison. That guy does next to nothing, and he's adored by women everywhere he goes. Pretty sweet gig.
posted by kevinbelt at 8:01 AM on August 2, 2016 [2 favorites]

I think Jordan is the king of the players, and JoJo has the hots for him, and so picked the unredeemable bad boy instead of men who had all of the things she kept saying she wanted. Really annoying. I feel that Robby was also totally full of shit and is actually a very good actor, who said all of the right things. Amazingly, Jordan said none of the right things, and she still chose him, even after so much doubt and drama on all of their dates. She ignored every red light and just kept plowing ahead. I honestly hope that I'm wrong and that Jordan and JoJo make it but I don't see it. He is just too happy to be in front of the cameras and imo is looking for a sports announcing gig.

So did anyone notice that Robby had a new nose and new veneers on ATFR last night? He is campaigning hard to be the next Bachelor. Between the ridiculous amount of plasticness of his face, all of the grooming and manscaping, and being the oh so understanding dumpee who only wants the best for the girl he loves. He is soooo thirsty. I think the next bachelor probably will not be announced until the last episode of BiP. They always wait until the last episode of whatever show is currently happening next. I think BiP is only aired in the summer (?) so they probably are waiting for that to be over to announce. I think of the three possibilities (Robby, Chase, Luke), most people seem to want Luke. I don't really have a horse in this race and will probably watch no matter which one it is, although I think Chase is definitely the sweetest of the three, but also possibly the least interesting?

I have never watched BiP but I'm down for it, it looks like a terrible trainwreck. Like, of monumental proportions. So of course it will probably be awesome ;)
posted by the webmistress at 8:06 AM on August 2, 2016 [2 favorites]

kevinbelt -- Hahaha! JoJo's dad is kinda weird-looking. And did we ever know her mother was of foreign descent? Like, when was that ever mentioned? Maybe last season when Ben met the parents? I don't remember it one bit, if so. She sounded Spanish or South American or something? Like, wouldn't that have come up at some time this season, given all the South American travel? I found that really odd.

And you're right, I'm so glad we were able to clear up that whole Rodgers family drama with the best non-answer in the history of ever. Speaking of which, how do teasers like that work with a live show? Have they already asked him the questions beforehand and know what answers he will give? Or do they just throw out some random teasers and wish upon on a star that an answer later in the show will provide closure?

webmistress -- so interesting that you think Robby was full of shit! Gahh, I felt like he was genuine! Now I'm having to rethink everything, as I have learned not to trust my instincts this season. Yeeesh. And He DID look different last night, though, I couldn't figure out why!

Yeah, I'm totally in for this BIP dumpster fire. Someone pop the popcorn!
posted by bologna on wry at 10:10 AM on August 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

I thought her mom was Iranian? Maybe?
posted by drezdn at 10:33 AM on August 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

Bologna - Robby was playing to be the next bachelor all season. He told her he was falling in love with her after one date! I mean...that's crazy. He was on automatic pilot the entire time; it was like he watched all of the previous seasons and took notes on what he should do and say to appear in the best possible light.

Yep she is from Iran. She has the most beautiful, caring, soulful eyes. She made Jordan promise not to hurt JoJo so he'd better be good at keeping his word!
posted by the webmistress at 10:39 AM on August 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

Ahhh, sorry, mistook that accent completely!
posted by bologna on wry at 11:08 AM on August 2, 2016

Boy this season really petered out for me. I think because it seemed so fully decided, in that it was pretty obviously going to be Jordan from early on despite all sorts of warning signs that popped up along the way.

She was really terrible at not being able to let people go and wanting to keep her options open as long as possible. Maybe subconsciously trying to avoid making a terrible mistake? I liked Jordan at first but the longer the show went on the more his flaws stuck out.
posted by graventy at 1:23 PM on August 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'll tell you what, though. Jordan was the easiest draft pick in fantasy Bachelorette ever.

And yet, I still lost my league. I drafted Robby, too. WTF?
posted by kevinbelt at 1:33 PM on August 2, 2016 [1 favorite]

graventy - me too! I have a theory on why we liked him at first. Because he wasn't lying all the time. And by that I mean in the early stages he didn't have to pretend to be in love with her or ready to be married or any kind of big anything. He just had to, basically, show up? So I wasn't getting the "LIAR LIAR!" vibes until later when it was obvious he had to make a decision - bite the bullet, dive in head first and hope she believes me, or go home. And he didn't want to lose, so he went with Plan A. And, sure enough, she believed him.

kevinbelt - HA! How the hell did you lose having picked both of them!? That's a shame. Also, I'm highly jealous of this fantasy league. Next round I want in, if it's open to strange weirdos on the mefi!
posted by bologna on wry at 7:16 AM on August 3, 2016

My league's scoring is more rewarding of drama than of just getting a rose every week. Robby wasn't very dramatic at all, so he got me very few points. Jordan had a little bit, but not enough to overcome Chad and Alex. Chad scored more in two weeks than my co-worker's entire team scored all season.

Now that we've got a pretty consistent group on here, I'm considering opening the league up to MeFi people (or maybe running a separate league - you can only have about 5-6 people in your league before there just aren't enough contestants to go around). I have to tweak the scoring system, though. We left some things off, and were a little too picky about some other things (e.g., you get points for your guy saying "I love you" to JoJo, but nobody actually said that this season; they all said "I'm falling in love with you" or something like that.) But I've got some time until the Bachelor starts in January. I'll let you know as that starts up again.

In the meantime, Bachelor in Paradise, huh? Probably needs its own post, but that was interesting.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:42 AM on August 3, 2016 [2 favorites]

I am in should you ever decide to open it up to us....sounds so fun!

Can we continue this with talking about BiP? I have never watched the show so had no idea what to expect. totally WAS a trainwreck. Chad very obviously needs professional help. He is simply a sociopath and narcissist and wow did he remind anyone else of Donald Trump or what?? Like with the inability to be able to see the error of his ways, the inability to apologize, the inability to not continuously be the center of attention, the inability to learn from his mistakes. Lace is the female version of Chad, and I felt so uncomfortable watching their interactions. She too needs to seek professional help. They both just can't relate to other people on a human level and it's so disturbing to see them interact. I don't think they had any actual conversation, it was just smacking and slapping and making out and trash talking and then more smacking and slapping and making out. Like..they both thrive on major drama - it's obvious they both like to create it as often as possible. Also, Lace telling Chad to leave her alone and then him walking by and bumping her hard with his body to make her bang into the wall....I would have asked him to leave right then. But of course I would never have asked him in the first place but they got what they wanted, which was TEH DRAMAZ. The things he said about Sarah were just shitty as hell. And speak of shitty, did anyone watch Unreal this week? With Hot Rachel and her little diarrhea episode? How about that coincidence, with Chad doing the same thing for real? Ugh. UGH.

Also, Jordan Rodgers is Josh Murray 2.0. Josh Murray is also a douchebro of monumental proportions and I still can't believe how often the women in this franchise go for the jerks. Nick Viall is a famewhore who cannot stay away from this franchise, so bringing Josh on should be interesting.

I feel dirty having watched the show. They basically just ply everyone with alcohol and then follow them around, waiting for them to make fools of themselves. Will I watch it again next week? Probably!
posted by the webmistress at 11:29 AM on August 3, 2016 [2 favorites]

If anybody here isn't listening to Rose Buddies, they actually should! It's a podcast about the Bachelor/Bachelorette family of shows by Griffin McElroy (of MBMBAM, Adventure Zone, and Monster Factory, etc) and his wife and it's amazing and hilarious.
posted by kmz at 12:55 PM on August 3, 2016 [4 favorites]

webmistress - HA! YES, we should have warned you, BiP makes The Bachelor/ette look like high-brow television programming. And holy crap did the season premiere ever deliver on the dumpster fire/trainwreck promises.

That Chad/Lace uh... crazy train? shitstorm? drunk and dysfunctional improv show? ...was really... well, it was something, all right. Something truly weird. And it just got weirder and weirder. Honestly I was surprised Lace kind of came to her senses, as it seemed for a while like a match made in batshit-crazy-ville.

I do kinda feel for Chad. How do you even become a functioning (term used loosely) adult with that massive of a level of self delusion and ignorance and denial and hair-trigger anger? (wow, that DOES sound like Trump!) Seriously, what happened to that dude to create such a fragile ego? I feel like there's gotta be some pretty major trauma in his past (beyond his mom dying) for which he has developed absolutely zero skills to deal, except drinking himself to oblivion and generally being a defensive, bullying asshole. He needs serious help and I really do hope he gets some. It was interesting to watch the last bit where he's going off on Chris Harrison and blaming everyone within earshot for making him look like a fool on TV, yet again. Like, between the lines you could read that somewhere down deep he knew BiP was maybe his chance at redemption after The Bachelorette and he'd just gone and blown it, big time. And he was so angry at himself that he subconsciously did what he's skillfully learned to always do in order to protect his fragile ego -- redirect all anger and blame outward. Sad. Anyway...

Lace, for some reason, I have less sympathy for. Not even sure why. She was all, "I've really changed, I mean, gosh, I've just grown so much and learned so many things about myself," and then cut to three minutes later and she's hate-kissing Chad and being just as rude and belligerent as he was and... well, that sure is quite some personal growth, there. Blech.

Also - my love for Jared continues. Won't they just go ahead already and make HIM the next Bachelor?

And you know, I like Nick. I have to say. Yeah, he's probably a famewhore. But I like him regardless.

Josh Murray can suck it. Did any of you watch Famously Single? He was on there. God, the guy really does see himself as some sort of god's gift to all womankind. Which would be almost forgivable if he had any, seriously ANY, redeeming qualities whatsoever with which to back it up. He's a total snooze-fest average-looking guy with likeability in the negatives and apparently his standards for a mate are pretty simple: she just has to have fallen from the sky as a perfect angel. Oh go to hell, Josh.

But uh.. yeah.

B-I-P! B-I-P! B-I-P! What a fun dumpster fire. Also, we probably shoulda made a separate post, oh well. Anyone feel free to make one each week if you don't see one up yet. Looking forward to more snarky good times.
posted by bologna on wry at 7:46 PM on August 3, 2016 [1 favorite]

kmz - I'll have to check that out, thanks for the linkage!!
posted by bologna on wry at 7:46 PM on August 3, 2016

I feel really sad for Lace. Her whole intro scene was her pouring out her wine bottles and talking about how much she learned from her experience on the Bachelor, but before the intro was even over, she was back to drinking, and then she drank excessively in Paradise. I'm sure some of that was creative editing by the producers (my go-to excuse; see below), but it certainly seems that the girl has a drinking problem, and it's pretty despicable that the show is using that to generate drama.

Chad... I guess I can't really defend him anymore. He is, just maybe, not a nice person. But I will say that I don't think he just randomly did all that stuff. You don't think there was a producer in his ear telling him to drink more and be crazy? I'm sure if you fed me drinks for an entire day and told me to "act crazy", you could probably edit together 30 minutes of me looking like an asshole, too. He was cast in a role, and they were going to show him in that role one way or the other. I got the impression that a lot of the morning-after stuff like the confrontation with Harrison was Chad realizing he'd been played. He has anger management issues, for sure, and he doesn't seem to make great decisions when drunk, but I still don't think he's a monster. I think he's a guy who doesn't seem to do well when he's not in control of the situation. If you play the game (by which I mean life) on his terms, he's a normal, functioning adult. But when he has to cede control to someone else (e.g. JoJo, or Harrison), he can't handle it. Not a great way to live. I would imagine that the combination of being a Marine and losing his mom would have something to do with that.

Nick - seems like the douchiest guy, I'd feel slimy just being around him, but he has perspective on the whole thing. He is for sure the best commentator on BiP. "Maybe he should have acted like Mussolini." Brilliant.

Interesting that you compared Josh Murray to Jordan Rodgers. Josh also has a brother playing quarterback in the NFL. His brother has always come across as a fun guy, though.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:10 AM on August 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

"Bachelor In Paradise" has a whoooole lot in common with "Paradise Hotel", a guilty pleasure around the chazlarson home from 2003, which the Salon recapper at the time called "Drunk Asshole Hotel". We're referring to this one as "Drunk Asshole Beach".

I'm looking forward to next week's CHAD-nanigans, which of course the producers were POWERLESS TO PREVENT.

I love the Canadian dude. He's playing this Pilkington-esque "idiot or genius" line very well.
posted by chazlarson at 1:03 PM on August 4, 2016 [1 favorite]

As far as dumpster fires go, BiP is...okay. But if you really want to see reality TV at it's absolute worst and best, you really need to track down Bachelor Pad. The gamesmanship was incredible, and the actual games they played were gross and at times merciless.

Some examples!
Gross: everyone make out with a dude, one after another, best kisser gets a point. (Pretty sure you repeat for all dudes.)
Merciless: they had this game once where they took turns throwing paint eggs at each other, first the guys, then, later, the girls. Most..paint won, I think? But the eggs were in response to questions like "which bachelorette is the prettiest" and a few were heart-crushingly un-egged.

God it was so terrible. I wish they'd bring that back.
posted by graventy at 5:15 PM on August 4, 2016 [2 favorites]

wait wait wait, was Paradise Hotel that one shitshow where the whole premise was to bring LTR couples to a resort for some sort of hall pass where they were given free reign to hook up with any of the singleton bait also shipped to the resort? And then they regularly tortured them during their stay by separately showing each of 'em footage of their s.o.'s most egregious behavior? And then they had to choose at the end whether to stay together or leave split up? Or am I remembering a completely different show? Nope, never mind, just googled it and that was not the show I was thinking of. Whatever show that was I clearly recall being totally disappointed at the end when they all decided to stay together. What a letdown. That was some excellent trash. Yeah, I don't think I watched Paradise Hotel. It doesn't look familiar. Or, if I did I've purposely blocked it out. ha

Bachelor Pad! Yes, that was some epic crap! Never missed an episode. And you're right, some of those games were really mean spirited. And remember at the end each member of the winning pair had to secretly write down whether they wanted to split the prize money with each other or take it all for themselves? And if one chose to take it all and the other chose to share, the one who was selfish won all the prize money? Or if they both voted to take all the money neither won anything, but if they both voted to share they got to share it? And that one season where that selfish asshole voted to keep the money and the woman voted to share, so he ended up winning it all and she went home with nothing? Man oh man. Good times. I do remember not liking the whole competition aspect of that show, though. I definitely prefer BiP to BP.

jesus christ i've wasted an embarrassing amount of my life on irredeemable television programming. LIVIN' THE DREAM, y'all, Livin'. The. Dream.
posted by bologna on wry at 6:19 PM on August 4, 2016

And yeah, Justin The Canadian is quite entertaining, that Pilkington genius-or-idiot analogy is so spot-on! He plays it SO well.

And Nick is indeed a fantastic commentator this season, as is Carly. Looking forward to more of their hot takes.
posted by bologna on wry at 6:31 PM on August 4, 2016

Yup! Bachelor Pad had the best Prisoner's Dilemma setups for their final prize and it was so awful and fun.
posted by graventy at 5:42 AM on August 8, 2016

Tried to make a BiP post but I didn't realize I/we had to "suggest" a TV show if it's not already in the list. So, it's been suggested, waiting for it to be "approved" in order to create a new post.
posted by bologna on wry at 6:28 AM on August 10, 2016 [1 favorite]

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