Empire: The Devil Quotes Scripture
January 22, 2015 11:04 AM - Season 1, Episode 3 - Subscribe

A family dinner is held. Hakeem has two girlfriends now. Cookie meets up with an old friend to give her ex-husband a musical "blast from the past" he's not too happy about. Jamal hits his limit on his father's dissing of him. Andre and his wife have some kind of ah, interesting arrangement. Lucious is having more ALS symptoms. Also, this show is so Dynasty.

Team Hakeem:
Despite Hakeem being publicly "with" Tiana (who has no lines except for one crappy song with lame lyrics), he apparently also has some older British(?) girlfriend he has on the downlow. He calls her "mama." Gross, Hakeem. We're told his single is "blowing up." Lucious decides to have a family dinner to welcome Tiana into the family, and invites Cookie. Guess how that's gonna go?

Team Lucious:
Bunkie's funeral is held, Lucious gives a speech. He's a little nervous about a possible witness to his crime. He's irritated that Kid Fo-Fo got picked up by a rival of his. And his ALS symptoms are acting up a bit and Cookie's noticing something's off with him.

Team Andre:
The cops supposedly find a witness to Bunkie's murder. Andre has a "connection" to the deputy mayor, which is to say that they're boinking. Andre's wife Rhonda is totally aware of this, btw, and they incorporate this sort of thing into playacting during sex. Mm-hmm. The witness is an old homeless guy, called (no joke) "Ol' Salty," and all he can do is give cryptic animal references to the lion sleeping tonight or whatever. I'm sure Lucious has nothing to worry about at all there. In other Andre news, he razzes Hakeem about how he has no talent but will inherit the empire anyway, so who cares, and then is all, I was just razzing you! I'm sure, Andre.

Team Cookie:
Anika put a tail on Cookie and Lucious has found out about the Feds. Cookie and her Fed contact put on a show at Lucious's office about how Agent Carter is really her parole officer to throw him off the scent.

Cookie thinks Jamal needs a hit single and he doesn't have one right now, so she and Porsha are trying to recruit another songwriter. (Porsha's expressions while watching one failure are priceless.) After various attempts of that don't work, she gets the idea to look up her old friend Puma (Cuba Gooding Jr.), who still has the hots for her after 20 years. I still want to know how Agent Carter looked the guy up with literally nothing but the nickname of "Puma" given to her. Instead of getting a new song, they use one Puma wrote about having the hots for Cookie 20 years ago, which Lucious already owns and never recorded. The idea is to have Jamal play it at the family dinner.

At the dinner, Cookie takes Anika's chair and insists on giving grace, during which she gives a delightful diss to Anika for tailing her. They continue to snipe back and forth and Anika brags that she's a debutante. Pretty sure that's not going to help her in this fight.

Team Jamal:
Jamal performs Puma's song, which Lucious clearly recognizes and feels hostile about. He ends up liking it this time for the first time (clearly despite himself), blames it on the arrangement, and then immediately says he should get John Legend to do it. At this point Jamal packs up his shit and leaves. Lucious (in a fabulous scarf or stole or something) shows up at Jamal's loft later, not really knowing why, and he ends up going on about how he had three sons and is bothered that one of them's a bitch. I'm not sure what Lucious thought he was going to do when he showed up, but that did not help. And after making one more crack about how he pays for Jamal's life, Jamal tells Michael to pack up, we're gonna be out of here in fifteen minutes. As they are trying and failing to hail a cab with all their luggage, Jamal is all fuck him, I'm gonna take over his empire. I bet they end up at Cookie's.

Incidentally, this show is totally like Dynasty, except decades later, in a different state and industry, different races, etc.

* Blake Carrington/Lucious Lyon: Head of household, head of the business, everything has to be his way.
* Krystle Carrington/Anika: The younger second wife (ish in Anika's case, don't know if they're married or not), the more outwardly gracious/well-behaved one--well, sorta. I can't wait for the inevitable catfight scenes.
* Alexis Carrington Colby Dexter/Cookie Lyon: The brash, dramatic, incredibly well dressed first wife who's still very much a member of the family whether she's wanted or not, who frequently gets her way, and is generally impressive. Again, CAN'T WAIT FOR CATFIGHTS!
* Adam Carrington/Andre Lyon: The oldest son, the schemer, nobody's favorite. Though let's hope Andre never goes as evil as Adam did.
* Steven Carrington/Jamal Lyon: The gay son and the nicest one, who Dad is uncomfortable with and frequently actively against.
* Fallon Carrington Colby/Hakeem Lyon: The youngest, the most spoiled, and the brattiest. Though I'm sure Hakeem wouldn't appreciate this comparison one bit.
posted by jenfullmoon (1 comment total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
This is such a great description of the show. When Lucious showed up at Jamal's loft, I thought his coat and scarf looked a little like they were lifted from James Earl Jones's kingly wardrobe in Coming to America!

I never watched Dynasty, but I am very impressed with the comparison.
posted by gladly at 2:08 PM on January 23, 2015

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