Empire: The Tameness of a Wolf
May 19, 2016 4:25 PM - Season 2, Episode 13 - Subscribe

Who cares about those chicks who took over Empire any more? Not after the first five minutes! Hakeem juggles girls, Jamal makes friends with Freda, Lucious and Andre have flashbacks, and Cookie ruins her own birthday party.

Team Hakeem: We start out at Camilla's funeral. Apparently whatever happened in the last episode is now being called a murder/suicide, but nobody's concerned with that after the first few minutes, though Hakeem does give a little speech. Lucious shows up in the office bragging and thanking Hakeem for killing her with his sex tape. Class-ay. But hey, it's still Hakeem's head on the Empire logo, so take that, dad.

In other management news, Mirage a Trois likes to hog the stage a bit and not get off for Tiana to get on. This is crucial enough that Becky has to yell at Hakeem about it while waving her tablet about multiple times. So Hakeem joins the tour and meets Laura's parents, including her super nice dad, who says, "There's nothing better for a father than when his child shines brighter than he ever did." OH HAKEEM'S FACE AT THIS ONE. "My family ain't like that. It's nice, though." This leads to Hakeem deciding he likes Laura's family better and freaking proposing marriage over Camilla's dead body. Tiana sees this and seems to feel awkward about it, and I'm all, why does she care now?

Much to my delight, Cookie smacks Hakeem on the head for this later.

Team Jamal: Jamal and Hakeem get the bright idea to try to get Freda to record with them. While they seem to have a good time hanging on the streets and rapping with kids, Freda turns them down saying she won't go against a guy who's been like a father to her, until Lucious ends up booting her out of the video since it's now gone from Richard and royalty to drowning a kid in the bathtub. She goes to see Jamal and he is basically all, "So, he pulled that on you too, huh?" and then they duet. Cookie walks in at the end of this and hears Freda's dad's name, which freaks her out.

Team Lucious: So who loves those flashbacks to Lucious's mom? Nobody, so we'll have some more! Lucious is filming the Boom Boom Boom Boom video at the old Lyon house he named himself after in Philly, even though he claims "this ain't got nothing to do with my mother." Which leads to a fun acting moment as Lucious advises a kid on how to act as his momma Is drowning him. THIS'LL BE A FUN VIDEO TO WATCH FOR ALL.

Team Cookie: It's Cookie's first birthday out of prison, " and all I want is some d--- peace, okay?" and a birthday dinner with no drama. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Also, she invited Lucious, which means nobody else super wants to go, but they go anyway. Is she falling for him again? Well, they have a lot of history.
As Cookie follows Lucious down Memory Lane, she keeps trying to figure out what the heck went on with his mom, eventually deducing that she killed herself in front of him.
Anyway, Cookie thinks that she and Lucious are having a quiet birthday for two, but really all the family showed up anyway. "Apparently they love you more than they hate me." NICE bling cake!
Cookie ends up ruining her own birthday when she gets the bright idea to show Lucious's new video, as she thinks the boys should get some insight into why their dad is the way he is. Lucious sings along to it, but everyone else gets super uncomfortable as they watch the bathtub scene. Seriously didn't know "Boom Boom Boom Boom" had this much depth to it, go figure.

Team Rhondre: As Andre watches the video, he starts having all kinds of flashbacks, demands it be turned off, and asks if his grandmother was bipolar. I don't know, I ain't no doctor! Andre had no idea and he and Lucious argue over whether or not Andre was better off not knowing. "I let you marry Rhonda!" Lucious argues at one point, and I'm all O RLY? Lucious says he's embarrassed by his son like he was his mother. "To hell with you," Andre says, and stomps out, totally abandoning his recently medically damaged wife with no ride.
Rhonda seriously has to call ANIKA for a ride and stay at Anika's for awhile. Won't Rhonda notice that you're puking at home or something, honey? "It'll be nice to be around someone sane for a change, too," poor Rhonda says.

Quote Corner:
"Porsha, why in the hell would I need six thousand pennies?" --Cookie on how Porsha needs a hearing test or something.
"Oh, I didn't know vampires had shadows." -Cookie when she finds out that Harper the reporter is following Lucious around for weeks. Ugh, weeks?! Followed by...."Don't you write that, I'll beat your ass."
"I did seventeen years for a man whose name I didn't even know." -Cookie. Cookie, I love you, but that was your dumb choice. Also, seriously, you thought he was named Lucious at birth?
"I see somebody had fun building a bear." -Cookie.
posted by jenfullmoon (4 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
Someone needs to put together a supercut of Cookie smacking people upside the head.
posted by mon-ma-tron at 1:04 PM on May 20, 2016 [1 favorite]

I've missed your recaps, so much.
posted by Superplin at 2:41 PM on May 21, 2016

Me too. I'm behind on everything and moving to boot, but I'll do my best to get them all in SOMEDAY.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:54 PM on May 21, 2016 [1 favorite]

Naw, it's wonderful, we get the show weeks after y'all do, so the recaps come up at just the right time.
posted by Bugbread at 9:31 PM on May 25, 2016 [1 favorite]

« Older Podcast: The Adventure Zone: E...   |  Steven Universe: Same Old Worl... Newer »

You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments