Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE CHRISTMAS DRAGON Season 13, Ep 13
"A Magical Journey to Save Christmas." This supposed kids movie opens with a kid's parents getting killed by a dragon. Merry Christmas! But wait, this is a fantasy world, with magic and dragons, do they have their own version of Jesus? In theme it can't decide if it wants to be Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings, but whatever it is it went straight to DVD. Joel, Jonah and Emily hatch a daring plan to escape from Kinga's captivity, but they'll need a little help from an unlikely source. We're at the end of Season 13, and with it we're once again at the end of our trip through all of MST3K. Please see inside. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE BUBBLE Season 13, Ep 12
"A visual science fiction experience that will boggle your mind." "SPACE VISION a step beyond 3-D" This is one of those movies that makes nonsensical and arbitrary things happen, but tries to excuse it by passing them off as mysterious. Well duh, anything's a mystery if there's no possible explanation for it! A plane with three people (one of the a pregnant woman) is downed by a storm, but ends up inside a huge hollow chamber with invisible walls, in which live zombie-like people who go through the motions of their lives. Like The Mask, this was made for 3D, so there's a bunch of in-your-face effects. Unlike that film though, only the 2D version is riffed on here. Joel riffs this one! The subplot has Jonah, Emily and Joel planning their escape, through the gimmick that the Mads, for some reason, can't hear anything spoken in rhyme. I like the episode, but the movie basically just toys with its characters throughout, until the unexpectedly happy ending. Premiered November 11, 2022, in the Gizmoplex. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: ATOR THE FIGHTING EAGLE Rewatch Season 12, Ep 6
Rewatch! Remember Cave Dwellers? Before Cave Dwellers there was Ator: The Fighting Eagle. This movie. The only character the films have in common is Ator, played by a sizable quantity of O'Keefe. The generic fantasy setting seems to be mostly different too, similar, but modulated differently. Ator's love interest/sister gets newted in a flashback in Cave Dwellers, so don't get too wrapped up in her fate here. Other than that it's standard barbarian-type shlock, a bit more skin and pseudo-Conan lore on display than in Cave Dwellers, and it moves a little faster. It's the last episode of (beat) The Gauntlet, the end of Season 12, and the end of the Netflix era. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: KILLER FISH Rewatch Season 12, Ep 5
Rewatch! The penultimate episode of "The Gauntlet," MST3K's abbreviated 12th season, and second Netflix season. It's jewel thieves vs piranhas this time. In the episode's plot (there kind of is one), Dr. Erhardt is back and seeks to scatter the ashes of Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank in outer space. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE DAY TIME ENDED Rewatch Season 12, Ep 4
Rewatch! Some things happen, or do they? One of the most nonsensical movies in Mystery Science Theater 3000's ancient pantheon of nonsense. As oneswellfoop wrote, "It's like all the temporal paradoxes over the entire run of Doctor Who, Quantum Leap, DC's Legends of Tomorrow, Irwin Allen's Time Tunnel, the Back to the Future movies and the episode of Babylon 5 where Babylon 4 reappeared all converged on one isolated location and didn't have clue what to do next so they ordered pizza." The episode has the return of J. Elvis Weinstein as Dr. Erhardt! Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: LORDS OF THE DEEP Rewatch Season 12, Ep 3
Rewatch! People find a hyperintelligent lifeform in the ocean, and it's turning people into blobs! The opinions from MeFites the last time this one came up ran the gamut. Some were happy that it was a genuinely bad movie instead of a knockoff like 1201 and 2; someone mention that is a knockoff, of The Abyss; some liked it; some found it DULL. There's a fun during-movie song in this one, with a psychedelic tone.Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: ATLANTIC RIM Rewatch Season 12, Ep 2
Rewatch! The Asylum is an infamous studio I'm a bit conflicted about. It's true, I've seen a lot of their films, despite finding it challenging to make it through a lot of them. Many of them aren't what I'd call good. But they continue to make movie after movie, even after all this time, despite it being a difficult craft, doggedly doing what they want no matter what people tell them. I admire that. And they made Z Nation, which people generally liked. Well, this is more typical of their output: a movie based loosely upon, and named similarly to, a big-budget movie, released straight to disk. This one has pretty unlikable characters. It's the second movie of "The Gauntlet," MST3K's short 12th season. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: MAC AND ME Rewatch Season 12, Ep 1
Rewatch! A disturbingly malleable, bubble-gum-like alien and their family get stuck on Earth and befriend a wheelchair-riding boy in this notable box-office failure. Chris Pratt seems to like it though! Season 12 ties Season 7 for the shortest season of MST3K. This is the first episode of "The Gauntlet," a series of MST3K episodes designed to be binged, although that'd be over nine hours of riffed film, so good luch surviving that. Unlike the previous episodes, I only posted each MST3K episode from Season 12 once, so less of a retread this time! Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: AT THE EARTH'S CORE Rewatch Season 11, Ep 14
Re-rewatch! Once again, it's the last episode of Season 11, the first Netflix season. People go to the center of Edgar Rice Burroughs Earth and meet dinos and cavefolk. It's Growler's first episode, and the episode of Kinga's ratings-stunt marriage that never ends up happening. It ends on a kind of cliffhanger, but Jonah's okay, he's outside the SOL in a space suit. Previously and again.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE CHRISTMAS THAT ALMOST WASN'T Rewatch Season 11, Ep 13
Re-rewatch! Santa is gonna be put out on the streets (floes?) by his landlord, a Mr. Prune, unless Mr. Whipple can save him. Don't squeeze the Charmin! Previously and again.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: CARNIVAL MAGIC Rewatch Season 11, Ep 12
Re-resuffer! Welcome back to the "Manos" of Season 11: Carnival Magic. Alex the chimp can talk, sorta-kinda, but not about anything interesting. His owner Markov is a cut-rate magician and hypnotist that for some reason everyone seems to deeply respect or despise. Probably the worst movie of Season 11, and one of the worst ever made. But at least Mark Hamill appears in this episode in a host segment! Previously and (ugh) again.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: WIZARDS OF THE LOST KINGDOM II Rewatch Season 11, Ep 11
Re-rewatch! In contrast to the movie of the previous episode, which was quirky and had interesting characters, this movie is sometimes cited as one of the worst of Season 11. It's a meandering fantasy that reused footage from four other fantasy movies, into a plot that doesn't make much sense. Despite the title and an attempt to tie it in with the previous movie at the start, it really has nothing to do with the first Wizards of the Lost Kingdom except it also had Roger Corman as an executive producer. Previously and again.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: WIZARDS OF THE LOST KINGDOM I Rewatch Season 11, Ep 10
Re-rewatch! A wizard apprentice searches for warriors to help him retake the castle from Thom Christopher (he has a habit, he's trying to quit) and his minion Apelua. Ends up finding a walking pile of shag carpeting and Dadbod the Barbarian. Features a moonshining gnome and a cyclops in a wedding dress. One of the best episodes of Season 11!
Mystery Science Theater 3000: YONGARY, MONSTER FROM THE DEEP Rewatch Season 11, Ep 9
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE LOVES OF HERCULES Rewatch Season 11, Ep 8
Re-rewatch! Oh, more super-muscled hijinks with the mythological demi-man. Hercules' wife gets killed (again) and he hooks up with another woman within days (again). He just can't keep his spouse alive! It's wacky! Previously and again.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT Rewatch Season 11, Ep 7
Re-rewatch! A German U-boat sings a passenger vessel, but rescues survivors. The strife between the two groups is set aside when they find a land peopled by prehistoric people and dinosaurs. Previously and again
Mystery Science Theater 3000: STARCRASH Rewatch Season 11, Ep 6
Re-re-rewatch! (what, really?) Stella Star is a star rogue kind of lady, whose second-in-command and guy-pal Akton also seems to have weird space powers. Anyway, they're on the run from the Space Law, until the Emperor of the Universe wants them to track down his lost son amidst the "Haunted Stars." If this seems awfully random, trust me, it's only the beginning. By the end there's amazons with a giant lady robot with metal breasts, a Texan-speaking law robot, the evil Count Zarth Arn, and much much more. A legendary ridiculous movie, and prime fodder for Jonah and a pair of wisecracking robots. Previously, again, and one more time. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE BEAST OF HOLLOW MOUNTAIN Rewatch Season 11, Ep 5
Re-rewatch! How many movie genres would be improved by a stop-motion dinosaur suddenly attacking in the third act? Film noir? Road movie? Heist? Serious drama? Period romance? Can you guess why I'm asking this question? Previously and again.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: AVALANCHE Rewatch Season 11, Ep 4
Re-rewatch! A real estate developer's hubris results in the deaths of some of the guests to his new hotel. This one is seventies-tastic! Previously and again.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE TIME TRAVELERS Rewatch Season 11, Ep 3
Re-rewatch! Continuing with the first streaming season, some scientists are trapped in the future because of Danny. Thanks, Danny. Previously and again.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: CRY WILDERNESS Rewatch Season 11, Ep 2
Re-rewatch! One of the best episodes of the streaming era of the show, Cry Wilderness is an absolute classic and proved to many that MST3K was back. It's an incredibly strange film combined with brilliant riffing. Parents, please don't get your information on how to raise kids from this bizarre bigfoot movie, please. Bang! Previously and again.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: REPTILICUS Rewatch Season 11, Ep 1
Re-rewatch! It's the beginning of the streaming era, and it's Denmark's turn to get attacked by those darn kaiju. Previously and again.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: DIABOLIK Rewatch Season 10, Ep 13
Re-rewatch! An amoral thief's goal in life seems to be to have sex around as many expensive things as possible with his girlfriend, while the world tries to catch him. Previously, and again. This is the last episode of the classic run of the show.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: SQUIRM Rewatch Season 10, Ep 12
Rewatch! A power line goes down, supplies continual live current to a bunch of worms, and as a result they go nuts and eat people. Fixing the power line ends the situation. Who would have thought? Also has the short A Case of Spring Fever, featuring Coily the Spring Sprite, may his dark name be praised. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND Rewatch Season 10, Ep 11
Rewatch! A plane crashes onto the titular island carrying a cargo consisting mostly of bikini girls. You can probably guess how the proceedings go from there. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: IT LIVES BY NIGHT Rewatch Season 10, Ep 10
Rewatch! A guy is bitten by a bat and begins to turn into a creature with bat aspects. Batspects. We're nearly at the end of the classic series again, just three more episodes after this one. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: HAMLET Rewatch Season 10, Ep 9
Rewatch! Hamlet (a prince)'s dad (so, the king) is killed by a guy who wants to marry his mom, so he pretends to be crazy to gather evidence of the murder. It's a German production of the famous play, with two of the voices being Ricardo Montalban and John Banner. It's cut down a lot for time and has sparse sets. This is a challenging one. Previously.
"Beyond the earth... beyond the moon... beyond your wildest imagination!" It's the future in space, and there's a plague, and important drugs are being brought from a distant planet, and Jack Palance is trying to take over the universe, and there's a teleporting robot, and some kids in one scene. I couldn't make heads or tails of this one folks. There's a plot synopsis on Wikipedia, read that. It's another movie that tried to cash in on Star Wars' gigantic success. It's not nearly as campy as Starcrash, but that makes it very bland as a film. Even with Jack Palance as the villain, he's simply not in enough scenes to make it memorable. Other than sharing some character names and being set in the future, this movie has almost nothing to do with H.G. Wells' novel. Premiered October 7, 2022, in the Gizmoplex. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: FINAL JUSTICE Rewatch Season 10, Ep 8
Re-rewatch! Joe Don Baker plays a Texas policeman who brings his vaguely-legal brand of justice to Malta. Previously and again.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: TRACK OF THE MOON BEAST Rewatch Season 10, Ep 7
Rewatch! Yet another guy named Paul turns into a monster in this movie; it's the fourth such movie in MST's history! The others are The Crawling Hand, The Projected Man and Werewolf. Note that Cry Wilderness is not included, the Paul in that movie is just friends with a monster. Anyway, the episode is not on many best-of lists, but it's generally fondly remembered. Previously.
Rewatch! Another Bigfoot search movie. Compared to Season 11's Cry Wilderness, this one makes more sense, but is also kind of disjointed. Beware the outhouse scene, which word is was much longer and more awful in the unedited cut. This is also the episode with Old Man Crenshaw. I feel bad about some things I've said about his appearance in the past, but the character is still written as a jerk, and the fact remains that his one-strap overalls, rubber-band-bound beard attire is not a flattering choice of costume. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: BLOOD WATERS OF DR. Z Rewatch Season 10, Ep 5
Rewatch! I thought this one had come up in the list of best-of episodes, but apparently not, so it's only this film's second time on MST Club. "Sargassum... WEED of DECEIT!" A deeply odd movie. Also called Zaat, the movie has a fansite that's still online. Come see a man declare his love for a fish. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: FUTURE WAR Rewatch Season 10, Ep 4
Rewatch! A guy from the future travels back in time, but is chased by Robert Z'Dar. As Crow says, in the movie, it's not the future, and there's no war. There is a nun! Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE MILLION EYES OF SU-MURU Season 13, Ep 9
"She Rules a Palace of Pleasure ...for WOMEN! the most DIABOLICAL... BIZARRE... SADISTIC WOMAN WHO EVER LIVED!" Evil lady woman Su-Muru girlingly tries to take over the world with her nefarious army of maiden damsels. The character was created by Sax Rohmer and the movie produced by Harry Alan Towers, both of whom also responsible for Fu Manchu, so you probably should load up on coffee before attempting this one. If you're casting a Sax Rohmer movie about one of his standard megalomaniac characters, would you pick Frankie Avalon? These people did. Premiered September 2, 2022, on the Gizmoplex. [more inside]
Re-rewatch! A kid is bored, so his grandfather tells him tales of wonder to entertain him. But the grandpa is Ernest Borgnine, and he tells the kid about Merlin setting up shop in a strip mall and sourcing dangerous magic items to the suburbian public. Starting to see why King Arthur had problems. This is another classic episode from the last season of the classic series. Previously and again.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: GIRL IN GOLD BOOTS Rewatch Season 10, Ep 2
Re-rewatch! A sleazy slimy movie. Follow Michele along her starry-eyed journey working as a humble waitress at a desert diner called EAT to working as a go-go dancer in a club called The Haunted House. A surprisingly fun episode, but the movie is real icky. Previously and again. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE BATWOMAN Season 13, Ep 8
Originally "La mujer murcielago." A rich socialite lady decides to spend her spare time in a bat mask and cape, wearing a bikini, and fighting crime. She tracks down a mad scientist who is using pineal fluid from wrestlers to make fish people. Oh, she's a wrestler too. All of this takes place in Mexico. Other than being a blatant ripoff of them, has nothing to do with DC Comics characters. It's a fun episode, with a crazy movie and good host segments! Premiered August 19, 2022, in the Gizmoplex. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: SOULTAKER Rewatch Season 10, Ep 1
Re-rewatch! Dumb teens are killed automotively and their souls spend the rest of the movie running from Joe Estevez, last seen in Werewolf. We begin the last season of Era 2 of the show with a fun episode with visits from TV's Frank and Joel! Previously and again.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: QUEST OF THE DELTA KNIGHTS Rewatch Season 9, Ep 13
Re-rewatch! In the mystic land of Europe, in a time of swords and sorcery but not sorcery, in a kind of pseudo-medieval time that's also the Renaissance, everyone had a funny name, and roughly 20% of the people were David Warner, who is about the only good thing about this intensely goofy movie. (We miss you David.) Everyone get out your foam boffers, it's time to larp. Previously and again.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE SCREAMING SKULL Rewatch Season 9, Ep 12
Rewatch! A guy gaslights his new wife into believing the spirit of his previous wife is haunting her, as part of a scheme to drive her crazy and take her money. Oh joy. There's a great short though, the Gumby cartoon Robot Rumpus! Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: DEVIL FISH Rewatch Season 9, Ep 11
Rewatch! Someone gave the military the money to breed killer deadly mutant fish, and they do! Funny that. A bunch of people eventually kill it, but not before many of their own number are themselves killed. This is one of those movies that suffers from the necessity of editing out scenes of gore and violence, as it removes several important deaths from the film. This is also the movie where, as one male cast member is climbing down a ladder above the camera, a certain globular piece of male anatomy slips out from his shorts, to the horror of our hosts. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE FINAL SACRIFICE Rewatch Season 9, Ep 10
Re-rewatch! Another fan favorite, unlikely hero Zap Rowsdower and dorky teen Troy on on a road trip to upset the diabolical machinations of... uh, a diabolic machinator. He has a name but honestly it's hard to remember much beyond Rowsdower. He had his own song on YouTube which I had linked to in past posts, but apparently the rights owner to the movie is No Fun and had it taken down. Boo, Tjardus Greidanus! Previously and again.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: GAMERA VS. JIGER Season 13, Ep 7
aka "Gamera tai Daimaju Jaiga," "Gamera vs. Monster X," "Monsters Invade Expo '70." Everyone's favorite humongous turtle and Friend to Children protects Expo 70, being held in Japan, from a monster attack. Did you ever want to know what Gamera looked like from the inside? Stay tuned. It's not a rewatch this time! Jonah and his bots go up against one of the few Showa-era Gamera movies not done back during the Comedy Central era. And furthermore, I hear they were required to show this one uncut, so get ready for the longest episode of MST3K to date, clocking in at over two hours! Premiered July 22, 2022, in the Gizmoplex. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: GORGO Rewatch Season 9, Ep 9
Rewatch! It's Godzilla in the UK! A couple of guys capture a giant sea lizard and show it at a carnival, not realizing it's just a baby, and its mum is pissed. Leonard Maltin shows up in host segments. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE TOUCH OF SATAN Rewatch Season 9, Ep 8
Rewatch! A bit of a sleeper, it's the story of a young drifter who falls in love with a lady he meets by a lake who tells him, "this is where the fish lives." Being kind of dim, he immediately falls in love with her, and, surprise!, she's a Satan follower. Not in the sense of being a cultist, she just sort of "is" one. The fish does not appear to enter into it. She's over a hundred but looks young; her murderous sister is over a hundred and looks older. There's a couple of people they stay with who I think also have the mangoat on their contact lists, although in an even more vague way than the knower of fish residence. An odd movie. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: HOBGOBLINS Rewatch Season 9, Ep 7
Re-rewatch! "It's the 80s; do a lot of coke and vote for Ronald Reagan!" "Meet the Hobgoblins: Frankie, Sniffles, Bounce-Bounce, and The Claw!" "Paint my muscle car prune color, please!" "Wow this is a really well planned-out make-out spot. They must get public funding." "I would not want Pig Liquor." "Watch out, you little doodad!" Really, what can you do with those hobgoblins? Previously and again.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: DEMON SQUAD Season 13, Ep 6
aka Night Hunters. "Monsters don't stand a chance." A private investigator specializing in paranormal cases is looking for an artifact, and fights demons in bars, among other things. This episode is notable for featuring the return of Joel Robinson as host for this episode! It also has Dr. Erhardt returning, and for the second half of the movie J. Elvis Weinstein reprising his role as the voice of Tom Servo from the show's first season long, long ago. Premiered Friday 24, 2022, in the Gizmoplex. [more inside]
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE SPACE CHILDREN Rewatch Season 9, Ep 6
Rewatch! A benevolent blob from outer space gives Earth kids unearthly powers in order to prevent war. It contains Jackie "Uncle Fester" Coogan! Has the short Century 21 Calling, which is set at the Chicago World's Fair and tries to get us excited about the future of landline phones. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: THE DEADLY BEES Rewatch Season 9, Ep 5
Rewatch! Bees are on the rampage in the UK, and a singer in the country for a rest cure tries to figure out why they're killing people, while the British bureaucracy churns away trying to send someone to investigate. An odd movie with a very weird moment right at the end. In subplot news, the other Observers show up and try to get Brain Guy to go off with them to observe things. Previously.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: WEREWOLF Rewatch Season 9, Ep 4
Re-rewatch! The desert is home to many mysteries. Like people turning into dog people by the light of the silvery moon, the many mispronunciations of "Werewolf," Joe Estevez, and what's up with that guy in the house with the beard. A time-traveler from the old Klondike? (turns down lights, shines flashlight under my face) Whoooo can saaaay? This episode's a fan favorite, with song "Where oh Werewolf?" and the "Tusk!" bit over the closing credits. Previously and again.